AM I DREAMING?!?

ITS BEEN HELLLLLLLLLAAAAAAA LONG SINCE IVE WROTE ANYTHING AND BELIEVE ME EVERYTHING HAS BEEN GOING ON! SINCE WE LAST SPOKE IVE BEEN WORKIN LIKE HELLA CRAZY! 112 HOURS ON PAYCHECKS AND THEN IM DOIN ALOT OF LOWKEY SHIT TOO! MADE THE CHOICE TO TAKE MY TRIP TO DIEGO THIS SUMMER AND EVEN THOU HELLA BITCHES CAME AND WENT WITH FLAKY BULLSHIT ON HOW THEY WANTED TO GO BUT FLAKED IN THE END IM STILL GOING IN 16 DAYS! IM HELLA RETARDED EXCITED! IVE BEEN DREAMING ABOUT THIS GET AWAY EVERY NIGHT FOR THE PASTED 3 WEEKS AND ITS ONLY GETTING CLOSER! JUST CANT WAIT TO GET IN TROUBLE, PISS PEOPLE OFF, GAIN SOME HATERS, MAKE NIGGAZ FALL IN LOVE WITH ME AND THEN BOUNCE ON THEM HOES WITH NO FEELINGS! LOL I GUESS IM SOOOO EXCITED BECAUSE I HAVENT BEEN DOIN SHIT IN ORLANDO FOR A WHILE! I MEAN I SHOW FACE MAYBE TWICE A MONTH BUT ON THE REAL REAL I LOVE LOWKEY LIFE.

LIVING OUT HERE HAS REALLY HELPED ME GROW AND NOW IM HELLA READY TO HIT IT TO CALI WITH THE BIG MOVE HOPEFULLY IN THE NEXT 6 MONTHS. I JUST NEED A CHANGE! I JUST NEED SOMETHING MORE. AND WITH MY GREATTTTTT JOB I CANT GO ANYWHERE I FUCKIN WAIT! HAHAHAHAHA I KNOW SOMEONE IS READING THIS HATIN RIGHT NOW! LOL BLAH LET ME STOP! AS FAR AS RELATIONSHIP IM STILL SINGLE! I CANT REALLY SAY IM LOOKING OR TALKING TO ANYONE AMAZING AS OF RIGHT NOW BUT HEY IM YOUNG AND ORLANDO BLOWS SO THATS NOT HARD TO BELIEVE. WELL WAIT I LIED. I DO HAVE A "SEXY FACE" (SHOUTOUT TO TOYA LOL} HE IS SOMETHING SPECIAL BUT HE IS HELLLLAAAAAA FAR AND LOWKEY FAMOUS SOOOOOOO.......IDK ABOUT ALL THAT! I HAVE HAD MY FAIR SHARE OF FAMOUS ARM CANDY! WHO KNOWS THOU! GUYS JUST NOT 100% NOWADAYS SO WHY WOULD I PULL OUT THE WIFEY SHIT FOR SOMEONE WHO GONNA FLAKE IN A FEW DAYS! LOL #FAIL

IVE BEEN DOING ALOT OF THINKING ABOUT LIFE NOWDAYS! BEEN JUST FOCUSED ON ME! ALOT OF SOUL SEARCHING! LIFE IS HELLA GOOD SO I ONLY WANT MY TRUE FRIENDS BY MY SIDE! I GOT BIG MOVES COMING UP IN MY LIFE AND WHY WOULD I WANT ALOT OF COAT TAIL RIDERS TO BE ALONG FOR THE RIDE!?! IM GOOD! AS FAR AS "HIM"....THE GUY WHO MOST OF MY BLOGS STARED A WHILE BACK.....I MEAN I STILL CARE FOR HIM BUT HE WENT GHOST ON ME WHEN I NEEDED HIM TO JUST LISTEN........NEEDED HIM TO JUST BE THERE......NEEDED HIM TO JUST HEAR ME OUT! JUST NEEDED HIM! SO NOW I DONT. IT HURTS TO SAY BUT EVERYDAY THAT GOES BY MY HEART BEAT LESS AND LESS TO HIS BEAT! I GUESS IT JUST ME LIVING AND LEARNING BUT I GUESS I NEVER KNEW LEARNING WOULD HURT THIS BAD EVEN AFTER ALLLLLL THIS TIME. BUT AMAZINGLY IT DOES STILL MAKE ME CHOKE ON TEARS FROM TIME TO TIME AND THINK BOUT THE TIMES WHEN HE WOULD TELL ME I WAS THE ONLY AND EVEN THOU MY HEART ALWAYS KNEW BETTER JUST HEARING THE WORDS ALWAYS MADE ME MELT ANYWAYS. BUT SHIT HAPPENS! LIES ARE TOLD. AND NOW I KNOW BETTER. I FEEL LIKE 2010 CAME INTO MY LIFE AND HAS TESTED ME SOOOOOO MUCH! THIS YEAR ISNT EVEN OVER BUT BELIEVE ME IT HAS BEEN THE HARDEST YEAR EVER. I HAVE GROWN SOME MUCH AND PLAN TO KEEP GROWING!

OH YEAAAAAAAAAAAAA! I WAS GONNA END IT LIKE THAT BUT I PLAN ON AIR SOME SHIT OUT REAL QUICK ABOUT SOME BULLSHIT FUNNY SHIT THAT GOT ME NOTHING BUT FOLLOWERS THAT PEOPLE THINK IS/WAS HELLA FUNNY. LAST TIME I CHECKED UP GROWN SO IF ANYONE WANTS TO JUDGE ME ON WHATEVER I DO ON MY COMPUTER THAT IN MY HOUSE THAT I PAID FOR YOU GONNA HAVE TO JUST THINK IM DEAF BECAUSE IM NOT HEARIN YOU! HELLA PEOPLE BUTT HURT BECAUSE THEY GOT BLASTED FOR BEING DIRTY WHORES WHO FUCK PEOPLE THEY MEET ON TWITTER AND TINYCHAT. IM SORRY BUT IF YOU GONNA FUCK SOMEBODY AND TELL PEOPLE DONT BE ALL MAD WHEN I TALK ABOUT IT AND LAUGH! I MEAN YOUR FREE TO DO YOU BUT DONT THINK YOU COULD EVERRRRRRR COME AT ME ON SOME SMUT BULLSHIT WHEN NO ONE! EVERRRRRRRR FROM NO TWITTER/MYSPACE/SKYPE/OOVOO/ICHAT/TINYCHAT/FACEBOOK/BLACKPLANET ANYTHING HAS EVER FUCKED ME! I GUESS I GOT ALOT MORE CLASS SHAKEN MY BABY OILED ASS IN MY 4 WALLS THAT NO ONE FROM THE INTERNET HAS EVER BEEN TO! BUT FEEL FREE TO POST ANY VIDEOS PICTURES SOUNDBITES ANYTHING YOU GOT BUT PLEASE MAKE SURE YOU @ ME PLEASE! I LOVE MY NEW FOLLOWERS! KISSES! YOU CAN GO EAT A GLASS SANDWICH NOW!

!THINGS ARE FUCKIN GREAT!

SOOOOOOOOOOO! I WAS READING MY BLOGS AND MY PAGE IS ABOUT ALOT OF SHIT BUT ITS ALL LOWKEY SAD! BLAHHHHHHHH! IVE BEEN MEANING TO BLOG BUT EVERYTHING HAS BEEN ALL SMILES SO I FELT LOWKEY LOST FOR WORDS UNTIL I REALLY JUST THOUGHT ABOUT EVERYTHING AND WAS LIKE FUCK IT! LET ME JUST WRITE WHATS IN MY HEART! SO HERE IT GOESSSSSSS!

LIFE IN THE SUCK ASS PLACE ORLANDO HAS SUCKED SOOOO BAD SINCE I LANDED HERE ALL THOSE YEARS AGO! THE SECOND I HOPPED MY BLACK ASS OF THE PLANE I KNEW I WAS GONNA HATE THIS FUCKIN PLACE AND I HAVE BUT THATS ALL GONNA CHANGE VERY SOON! ME AND THE BESTIE HAVE BEEN THINKIN ABOUT MOVING AND I HAVE TO SAY THAT SOUNDS LIKE A GREATTTTTT IDEA! I CANT WAIT TO LEAVE ALL THESE BORING ASS TMZ ASS PEOPLE IN THE DUST AS I MOVE ON WITH LIFE AND LEAVE THEM STILL HERE DOIN THE SAME DAMN THING LIKE ITS POPPIN! IM SORRY BUT IF YOUR OVER THE AGE OF 25 AND YOUR STILL IN THE CLUB AND ON THE SCENE WEEKLY YOUR ASS BETTER BE GETTIN PAID OR YOUR JUST A LAME! BITCHES WITH ALL THESE DAMN BABY DADDIES AND STILL IN THE CLUB THINKIN ITS THE HOT SHIT! IM SORRY BUT IF I HAVE A CHILD THE CLUB IS GONNA BE A ONCE OR TWICE A MONTH THING! I MEAN DAMN BITCHES! YOU GOTTA BE AT THE CLUB EVERY WEEK? WHO U GOIN TO SEE?!? ITS RARE WE GET NEW FACES AND IF WE DO ITS A 1 IN A MILLION CHANCE THAT THEIR NOT GONNA BE LAMEEEEEEEEE SO WHY STRESS IT!

OMG ANOTHER THING I HATE! WHY DOES EVERYONE WANNABE A MODEL?!? EVERYONE TRYIN TO BE THE NEXT CHICK TO HAVE YOUR ASS ALL OVER SOMEONES MYSPACE! LOL I KNOW YOU READIN THIS AND THEN LOOKIN AT MY TITTLE PIC CONFUSED BUT THATS DIFFERENT. HE HIT ME UP AND ASKED ME TO DO A SHOOTS AND ONCE I GOT THE PICS I WAS RUSHING TO MODEL MAYHEM TO POST PICS UP LOOKIN FOR JOBS AND VIDEOS I CAN TRYIN AND BE SEEN IN. IM SORRY BUT ITS JUST NOT THAT SERIOUS FOR ME I GUESS.

OH AND I HATE BITCHES WHO THINK THAT GOING TO MIAMI IS A VACATION! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ITS ONLY A FEW HOURS AWAY! IM SORRY BUT IF YOUR NOT DRIVING OVER 8 HOURS OR FLYING YOUR NOT ON VACATION! YOU JUST WENT A FEW CITIES OVER TO VISIT FOR AWHILE! LOL OH AND ON THAT NOTE! IM SOOOOOOOO EXCITED FOR CALI WITH MY GET MONEY BITCHES! YESSSSSS! IM BRING THE FEW BITCHES I FUCKS WITH TO SEE WHERE I CAME FROM AND MEET MY REAL PEOPLE AND FAM! I ALREADY KNOW IMA CRY LIKE EVERYDAY BUT ITS SOOOO WORTH IT! AND ME AND MY BESTIE CAN SEE IF THATS WE WANNA MOVE OR LA! YESSSSSS! IVE NEVER BEEN SOOOOOO HAPPY! STARTED SOME NEW JOBS! THEIR ALL GREAT! MADE SOME AMAZING BUSINESS DEALS. AND NEVER BEEN SO HAPPY!

I HAVE SOMEONE SPECIAL IN MY LIFE AND NOTHING BUT POSITIVE AND GREAT PEOPLE THAT IM SHARIN MY HAPPINESS WITH! I FINALLY GET A CHANCE TO LAUGH AT BITCHES THAT STILL STUCK IN THE PASTED HATIN THEIR LIFE SO THEY MAKE UP EVERY REASON TO HATE SOMEONE THATS HAPPY! IM GLAD I HAVE A CLEAR IDEA OF WHO IS REAL AROUND ME NOW. MY FAMILY IS GOOD AND MY HEALTH GETTING BETTER BY THE DAY AND THAT IS NOTHING BUT GODS BLESSINGS! IM ALLLLLLL SMILES AND IM TOO HAPPY TO HAVE THE GOOD LIFE GLOW! SO IMA END IT ALL THAT AND POST MY FAVORITE VIDEO FOR NOW! JUST FOR MR.SPECIAL!

U MADE ME THIS WAY

SO LATELY IVE BEEN TORN BETWEEN THE GOOD & THE BAD. THE RIGHT & THE WRONG! THE WHORE & THE ANGEL! THE BITCH & THE NICE GIRL! THE WEAK & THE STRONG! TO ME THIS WORLD PUSHES EVERYONE TO FEEL LIKE THEY CAN/SHOULD ONLY TO DO GOOD & THINK GOOD BUT WHO IS THE WORLD TO TELL ME WHATS GOOD? HOW ARE THESE PEOPLE TO JUDGE? IT FUNNY CAUSE AS I WRITE THESE WORDS ONE OF MY FAVORITE CHURCH SONGS COMES ON. THE SONG THAT WAS PLAYING WITH I CRIED MY FIRST TEARS OF SHAME. MY FIRST TEARS ON REGRET. MY FIRST TEARS OF HOPE FOR SOMETHING DIFFERENT AS I SAT IN A CHURCH ONLY DAYS AFTER GIVING UP MY FIRST CHILD ON A COLD CLINIC TABLE TOP ALL BY MYSELF WHILE I HOPED THE MAKE I WORE ACROSS MY FACE AND BODY COVERED THE MARKS HE LEFT ALL OVER ME KNOWING THAT I WAS CARRYING HIS CHILD.

THE PLACE WHERE MY FACE HIT THE WALL WENT HE THREW ME AFTER I TOLD HIM I COULDNT EAT THE FOOD HE GOT ME BECAUSE I WAS TOO SICK FROM OUR CHILD TO HOLD ANY FOOD DOWN. THE MARKS THAT WHERE LATER KISSED BY THE LIPS OF THE SAME MAN WAS STANDING OVER ME KICKING ME IN THE BACK WHILE I CRIED AND TRIED TO MAKE SENSE OF THE MISTAKES I MUST OF MADE TO ENDED ME UP HERE. I FLASHED BACK TO THE TIMES WHEN I WAS TO YOUNG TO FULLY UNDERSTAND WORDS THAT WERE BEING YELLED FROM THE NEXT ROOM WHILE I SAT ON THE FLOOR HOLDING MY PILLOW LISTENING TO DEAR OL DAD BEAT HIS POINT INTO MY MOTHERS FACE.

I SAT THERE ONLY YEARS FROM THE WOMB LISTENING TO SOUNDS OF THE MAN THAT MADE ME A DADDY'S GIRL WRECKED EVERY BIT OF TRUST IN A MAN BEFORE I COULD EVEN REMEMBER HIS NAME. I LOOK BACK NOW AND I REALIZE THAT EVERY SECOND I SAT ON THAT FLOOR SCARED FOR MY MOTHER, MY BROTHER AND MY MYSELF I BECAME MORE AND MORE BROKEN! MORE AND MORE COLD! MORE AND MORE INDEPENDENT! THATS WHEN I LEARNED NOT TO TRUST! THATS WHEN I LEARN TO HIT BEFORE GETTIN HIT! TO HURT BEFORE GETTING HURT AND TO LEAVE BEFORE LOVING!

PEOPLE ALWAYS WANT YOU TO LEARN FROM EVERYTHING YOU GO THUR IN LIFE BUT WHAT IF EVERYTHING BIG WAS HELLA FUCKED UP? WHAT IF YOU LIVED A FUCKIN SHITY LIFE? WHAT IF EVERYONE YOU TRUSTED WAS SOMEONE SNEAKY, HURTFUL AND DIRTY? THEN WHAT! HOW TO YOU MOLD A GOOD PERSON FROM DIRTY CLAY? PEOPLE ALWAYS WANT YOU TO ME OPEN MINDED AND OPEN TO NEW THINGS BUT WHAT IF EVERY TIME YOU OPEN UP YOU GET BULLSHIT THAT GIVES YOU KNOW CHOICE BUT TO CLOSE UP AND BECOME EVEN MORE COLD? THEN WHAT!?!

I HAVE THIS PROBLEM.....IM TOO CARING! I CARE SO MUCH TO EASY! THE SECOND I MAKE A BONDED WITH SOMEONE I BECOME STUCK CARING FOR THE PERSON NO MATTER WHAT! I BECOME THE FRIEND THATS ALWAYS THERE FOR THEM 24/7 EVEN WHEN I KNOW THEY WOULD NEVER DO THE SAME FOR ME. ALWAYS LOVING! ALWAYS CARING! ALWAYS GIVING! WHICH ALWAYS LEFT ME EMPTY! I GAVE TO FRIENDS, GAVE TO FAMILY, GIVE IN RELATIONSHIPS AND THEN I WHEN I STOPPED AND WAS AT MY LOWEST I LOOKED BACK AT THE EDGE OF EVERYTHING LIKE ROSE IN TITANIC ABOUT TO JUMP TO FINALLY FEEL FREE BUT WHEN I LOOKED BACK THERE WAS NO JACK. THERE WAS NO ONE! I HAD A CHOICE. JUMP AND JUST LET EVERYTHING KILL ME OR FIGHT BACK FOR EVERYTHING I COULD HAVE.

AND I MADE THE CHOICE TO FIGHT! I PUSHED THE DRAMA OUT OF MY LIFE! I PUSHED THE NEEDY PEOPLE OUT MY CIRCLE. I CLEANED MY WORLD OF THE EXTRAS THAT WERE JUST NOT NEEDED AND I FOCUSED ON ME! I GAVE EVERYTHING UP TO JUST BREATHE FREELY. I BECAME COLD HEARTED! I BECAME EVEN MORE UN-TRUSTING! I BECAME SCARY HEARTLESS. I CHANGED ME. I TOOK ME TIME. I FELL OFF. I STARTED NOT GIVING 2 FUCKS ABOUT ANYONE BUT MYSELF. I CRIED WHEN I WANTED TO. I YELLED WHEN I WANTED TO! I DID ME AND STILL THEY TALK! STILL THEY HAVE NO LIFE! STILL IM A TOPIC! BUT THE ONLY DIFFERENCE NOW IS............I COULD CARELESS 100% AND U MADE ME THIS WAY!

LOVE U TO HATE

HAVE TO LAUGH AT MYSELF WHEN I REALLY THINK ABOUT IT. EVERYTHING THAT I LAUGH AT OTHER PEOPLE FOR DOING AND BEING A PART OF I DID FOR YOU! LATE NIGHT CALLS AND I LOVE YOU TEXTS TO SOMEONE I SWORE I KNEW. SOMEONE WHO'S FLAWS MADE ME SMILE AND LAUGH BECAUSE I LOVED EACH AND EVERY ONE OF THEM SOOOOO MUCH! BENDING OVER BACKWARDS FOR SOMEONE I SWORE LOVED ME BUT LETS BE SERIOUS! YOU NEVER "LOVED" ME! THAT WAS JUST A WORD YOU THROW AROUND TO FEMALES TO GET WHAT YOU WANT! BUT I HAVE TO GIVE IT TO YOU! THE "IM WAITING ON YOU" AND "YOUR THE ONLY 1 I WANT" WAS AN AMAZING TOUCH! BUT YOU NEVER REALLY HAD IT IN YOU TO BE REAL WITH ME! YOU RATHER JUST DO SNEAKY UNDERHANDED BULLSHIT TO GET YOUR POINT ACROSS! WELL CONGRATS! YOU'VE DONE THE MOST! FOR TOO LONG I PLAYED DUMB TO THE FACT THAT YOU BEEN DOING YOU BUT LETS BE ADULTS ABOUT THIS..........SO HAVE I! BUT AT LEAST HAD ENOUGH RESPECT TO BE TRUTHFUL WITH YOU. NEVER LIED! NEVER THOUGHT FOR A SECOND TO HIDE ANYTHING FROM YOU BUT YOU NEVER HAD THAT RESPECT FOR ME! BUT LIKE A YOUNG DUMB SCHOOL GIRL I LOVE YOU!..........NOW SAYING THOSE WORDS, LIKE REALLY SAYING THE WORDS "I LOVE YOU" MAKE ME FEEL LIKE I WANT TO THROW UP EVERY BIT OF FOOD IVE ATE SINCE THE DAY WE EVER SPOKE OUR FIRST WORDS. YOU MADE ME LOVE YOU! AND THAT I DID! YOU MADE ME LOVE YOU TO HATE!

TO THE POINT WHERE LOOKING AT YOUR PICTURES MADE ME FEEL DUMB AND CHILDISH FOR LETTING YOU GET THAT CLOSE TO ME. FOR LETTING YOU PRETEND LIKE YOU GAVE A DAMN! LOL! I SERIOUSLY DONT KNOW HOW I EVER THOUGHT SOMEONE SO HEARTLESS COULD REALLY GAVE A DAMN ABOUT ANYONE BUT THEM SELF! ITS WAS ALWAYS YOU RUNNING THE SHOW! ALWAYS JUMPING EVERY TIME YOU CALLED! ALWAYS GOING ABOVE AND BEYOND FOR YOU TO TREAT ME LIKE SHIT IN THE END! BUT ENOUGH IS ENOUGH! I RATHER BE ALONE HOLDING MY PILLOW EVERY NIGHT THEN TO BE SOOOOO STUPID AGAIN! SO YOU WIN! YOU MADE ME LOVE YOU! YOU MADE ME CARE! BUT TRUST AND BELIEVE SWEETIE! I WILL HAVE THE LAST LAUGH! 1 DAY YOU'LL CARE ABOUT SOMEONE JUST AS MUCH AS I CARE ABOUT YOU AND THEN SHE'LL BREAK HER HEEL OFF IN YOUR HEART AND LAUGH JUST LIKE YOUR ARE RIGHT NOW! KARMA IS A BITCH! LOL! BUT I MEAN THERE REALLY ISNT ANY OTHER ENDING SWEETIE! BOOSKI! BAE! LOL KARMA FROM MAKING ALL THESE GIRLS LOVE YOU TO HATE HAS GOTTA SUCK! KISSES BOO! WISHING YOU THE BEST!........LIKE REALLY! HOWEVER LONG THAT LAST!I

LOVE IN COLORS

IM STILL SIT HERE WITH MY HEART IN MY HANDS AT THE EDGE OF OUR LOVE PRAYING AND HOPING FOR U TO GRAB ME AND BE BY MY SIDE LIKE YOU'VE ALWAYS BEEN. BUT AS LOOK BACK.....YOUR NO WHERE TO BE FOUND! I SEE NOTHING BUT THE COLORS OF OUR LOVE FADING LIKE IF ALL THIS TIME WE WERE PAINTING OUR STORY IN WATERCOLORS AND THE RAINS OF CHANGE ARE WASHING AWAY THE LOVE WE SHARE AS IF IT WAS NEVER THERE. I WAKE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE LONELIEST NIGHTS FROM NIGHTMARES OF A LIFE WITHOUT YOU BY MY SIDE AND I REACH FOR A PHONE THAT HASNT PLAYED THE BEYONCE "YOU ARE MY ROCK" RINGTONE I SET FOR YOU IN WEEKS. OR FOR THAT FACT EVEN FLASHED UR PICTURE LETTING ME KNOW THAT AT LEAST IM STILL ON YOUR MIND. BUT STILL IM WISHING THAT YOU STILL TAKE TIME OUTTA OF YOUR EVERYDAY TO STOP AND LET ME KNOW HOW MUCH YOU LOVE ME.

I LOOK DOWN AT PLANE TICKETS TO A PLACE THAT I ALWAYS FELT WOULD BE THE HAPPINESS PLACE FOR ME TO BE AND I REALIZE THAT EVEN IF I WAS TO LEAVE TODAY THE CHANCES OF YOU BEING THERE ARE SLIM TO NONE! I SEE THE GIRLS HERE AND THERE AND NO MATTER HOW LITTLE THE HINTS OF FLIRTING IS I KEEP THINKING TO MYSELF "WHAT DOES SHE GIVE HIM THAT I DONT?" I KEEP LOOKING AT PICTURES OF GIRLS THAT IN YOUR BOOK MAY MEAN NOTHING BUT IN MY BOOK ARE THE BIGGEST THREAT. I FEEL MYSELF TRYING TO CHANGE WHAT I AM WHEN IN ALL SERIOUSNESS I KNOW THERES NOTHING MORE I CAN DO. YOU'VE MADE YOUR CHOICE TO DO WHAT YOU WANT TO DO AND IVE MADE MY CHOICE TO BE WHERE I AM.

ALL MY FRIENDS KEEP TELLING ME TO FAKE THE FACT THAT I LOVE YOU. BUT I DONT UNDERSTAND HOW I CAN GO FROM LOVING SOMEONE IN COLOR TO LOVING THEM IN BLACK IN WHITE. MY PASSION IS JUST TO DEEP! IF LIFE WAS A SILENT MOVIE U COULD READ MY PASSION. A PASSION SO BRIGHT THAT THE DARKEST SUNGLASSES COULD NEVER BLOCK THE WAY U MAKE ME SHINE. I FEEL LIKE LOVING YOU IS DIMMING MY LIGHT AND SUCKING THE LIFE FROM ME. BUT REALLY I DONT SEE THE LIGHT IN A LIFE WITHOUT YOU BY MY SIDE.

DAYDREAMS OF WHAT COULD OF BEEN FILL MY EVERY WAKING MOMENT. DAYDREAMS OF A LOVE THAT IS SO UNTOUCHABLE AND STRONG PEOPLE WOULD WRITE MOVIES, SONGS AND BOOKS ABOUT US. LOVE THAT MOVIES LIKE THE NOTEBOOK COULD NEVER TOUCH. I WISH I COULD TOUCH YOUR SOUL AND MAKE YOUR HEART FLASH BACK TO TIMES WHEN YOU TOLD ME THAT I WAS ALL YOU WANTED. I MISS YOUR SMILE......YOUR LAUGH.........AND YOUR THE STYLE OF YOUR SWAG. SHIT I EVEN MISS THE WAY YOUR HEARTBEAT PUTS ME TO SLEEP. I MISS CALLING WHEN IM SCARED AND JUST KNOWING THAT YOUR THERE! BUT I GUESS IM STILL LOVING YOU IN COLORS AND YOUR JUST COLOR BLIND..............MAYBE I HAVE TO SAY GOODBYE FOR THE VERY LAST TIME!

MY EMOTIONS VIA YOUTUBE VIDEOS!

HAVE NOTHING LEFT

-

OVER HERE GOING THUR THE WORST PAIN IN MY LIFE BESIDES THE LOST OF MY GODSON JAYDEN! I WAS HAVING THE BEST SUNDAY EVER TILL THE SUN CAME UPON MONDAY MORNING! I WAS IN A LATE NIGHT TINYCHAT WITH MY SOME OF THE HOMIES WHEN MY MOTHER LIKE ALWAYS CAME RUNNING IN TRYING TO BE ALL IN MY SHIT LIKE ALWAYS! I SWEAR I HATE WAKING UP TO SEE AND HEAR HER MOUTH! SHE WENT AWAY BUT THEN 15 MINS LATER MY PHONE RANG! IT WAS MY AUNT FOR MY MOM ON MY PHONE! I WAS LIKE WHATS GOING ON? SHE YELLED LIKE THE GHETTO HOOD RAT SHE LOVES ACTING LIKE SO I WAS LIKE FUCK IT! GAVE MY MOMS THE PHONE AND WALKED AWAY. THEN 10 MINS AFTER MY MOTHERS DUMB ASS GOT OFF THE PHONE SHE COMES IN A ND SAYS "OH YEA BY THE WAY.....YOUR COUSIN IS HAVING THE BABY AND IM LEAVING IN A SECOND SO IF YOU WANNA GO LETS GO"! SO I GOT UP, RAN INTO MY ROOM AND RUSHED TO GET DRESSED KNOWING I HAVE ALMOST BEEN UP FOR 24HOURS DUE TO TINYCHAT CRACK! LOL!

GOT IN THE CAR AND GOT TO THE HOSPITAL AND SHE WAS FINE. HER WATER HAD JUST BROKE AND THAT WAS IT. IT WAS ALREADY HARD FOR ME TO BE AT THIS HOSPITAL BECAUSE THIS IS THE SAME HOSPITAL THAT I MISCARRIED MY DAUGHTER AT 5 AND 1/2 MONTHS IN. I WAS EMOTIONAL BUT I HELD IT BACK FOR MY COUSIN. I KNEW I HAD TO BE THERE FOR HER BECAUSE BETWEEN MY MOTHER WITH HER "I SWEAR I KNOW I EVERYTHING" ASS AND HER MOTHER WITH HER "I HATE THIS WHOLE THING I HOPE YOU GO THUR PAIN THE WHOLE TIME" ASS WAS NOT HELPIN SHIT! I WAS IN THE ROOM WATCHING HER GO THUR UPS AND DOWNS WHEN EVERYTHING WENT HORRIBLE!

SHE TURNED INTO A DOGGY STYLE POSITION AND THEN SHE WAS REALLY FEELING IT WHEN HER EYES GLAZED OVER AND THEN SHE PASSED OUT ON US. SHE WAS OUT COLD AND NOT WAKING UP! I FREAKED OUT AND CALLED THE NURSE AND EVEN WHEN THEY CAME IN SHE WASNT MOVING AND WAS NOT WAKING UP. THEY WORKED ON HER FOR A WHILE AND THEN SHE WOKE UP AS IF NOTHING WAS WRONG AND THEN COULDNT EVEN REMEMBER PASSING OUT. IT WAS THE SCARIEST THING I THINK IVE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE AND I SERIOUSLY COULDNT HANDLE IT. I ALMOST PASSED OUT BUT I HAD TO MAKE SURE MY AUNT WAS OK BECAUSE SHE PASSED OUT BECAUSE MY COUSIN WAS HURT! AND THEN HERE COMES MY MOTHER WITH THE EXTRA INFO THAT NO ONE CARED ABOUT WHICH JUST MADE THE WHOLE THING WORST AND LONGER!

THEN MY COUSIN CAME AROUND AND STARTED FEELING BETTER UNTIL LATER ON WHEN SHE WENT FROM 7CM AND 10CM IN LIKE 15MINS! WHICH HAD TO FUCKIN HURT! I SERIOUSLY COULD NEVER GO THUR THAT PAIN EVER! THEN SHE WAS READY TO PUSH! WE GOT THE BABYDADDY, GODMOTHER AND MY DUMBASS MOTHER IN THE ROOM TO HELP HER AND WE WENT DOWN STAIRS. EVERYTHING WAS GOING GOOD AND AFTER ABOUT A HOUR OF PUSHING THEY GOT THE BIG HEAD BABY COME OUT LIKE IT WAS NOTHING AND HE WAS BORN. HEALTHY AND READY TO FLIRT! EVERYTHING WAS GOOD UNTIL MY DUMBASS MOTHER SAID HMMMM....LETS KICK OUT THE GODMOTHER AND BABYDADDY SO I CAN STAY! SMH! I CALLED THE ROOM AND YELLED AT MY MOTHER TO LEAVE THE FUCKIN ROOM AND THAT SHE DID!

EVERYTHING WAS GOOD BUT I WAS SOOOOO SLEEPY! SO I LAID DOWN OUTSIDE IN THE WAITING ROOM AND THEN WHEN I GOT UP EVERYONE WAS GETTING READY TO LEAVE AND YET MY MOTHER WAS NO WHERE TO BE FOUND! I CALLED FOR A HOUR ON EVERY BODIES PHONES AND THEN AFTER ALL THE TIME THE BITCH PICKS UP AND SAYS "OH MY BAD. IM UPSTAIRS HOLDING THE BABY." WELL THAT SMART U DUMB ASS BITCH. IM ALREADY SLEEPY, WORRIED, STRESSED, SAD, HAPPY AND EMOTIONAL AND NOW THIS BUT WANNA TAKE ALL NIGHT TO HURRY THE HELL UP! I WAS OUTSIDE IN THE COLD TRYING TO CALL EVERYONE AND THEN FINALLY MY MOTHER BRINGS HER ASS! I DIDNT SAY ANYTHING TO HER.I JUST STARTED WALKING TOWARDS THE CAR.

I GOT HOME AND THEN OUTTA NO WHERE MR.BLAH BLAH HIMSELF. CALLED MY PHONE. I STARTED TALKING TO HIM AND THE "WHERE THE HELL YOU BEEN/BEEN MISSING TOO?" HE WAS FIGHTING WITH ME BUT LIKE ALWAYS HE DIDNT CARE I WAS STRESSED OUT AND HAD NO SLEEP! HE JUST HAD TO BE RIGHT ABOUT SOMETHING SO AFTER FIGHTING AND SEEING THAT I WASNT GIVE UP THIS ASSHOLE JUST HUNG UP LIKE IT WAS NOTHING AND HASNT SAID OR TRIED TO CALL SINCE!

I SWEAR TODAY WAS THE WORST DAY EVER! I HAD TO WATCH MY BABY COUSIN GO THUR HELL/I HAD TO GO THUR EMOTIONAL HELL INNERLY, BEING LEFT DOWNSTAIRS BY MYSELF FOR A HOUR AND THEN I HAD TO DEAL WITH ASSHOLE NOT CARING LIKE ALWAYS! IM SERIOUSLY SO EMOTIONAL DONE! SERIOUSLY I NEVER WANT TO SEE TODAY AGAIN! I SERIOUSLY HAVE NOTHING LEFT!

THIS IS IT FOR NOW. I CANT REALLY SEE WELL. IM HELLA SLEEPY BUT TTYL!

LOVE AND ROCKETS,
COMMODITY{ALEA}

DAYS OF WTF

SO I GUESS THE PASTED FEW DAYS HAVE BEEN A SERIOUS EYE OPENER! I MEAN IM TRYING TO DO SOOOOO MUCH AND I FEEL LIKE THE ONLY PERSON ON THE ROAD TO CHANGING UP AND MAKING MOVES WITH ME IS KEALANI. OUR FRIENDSHIP CAME AS A RANDOM 1 BUT SHE REALLY IS MY BITCH! WE RIDE OR DIE AND WE BOTH ARE VERY FOCUSED ON WHERE WE WANNA BE IN THE NEXT FEW MONTHS. WE STARTED OFF THE FRIENDSHIP DOING ALIL BREAKING N ENTERING WHEN SHE LOST HER BAG AFTER THE CLUB. AND I KNEW THE SECOND THE WINDOW POPPED OPEN WE WERE DESTINE TO BE FRIENDS. LOL DONT WORRY IT WAS ON HER OWN HOUSE. LOL IM NOW PLANNING THIS TRIP BACK HOME TO CALI THAT WILL BE AROUND THE END OF MARCH OR BEGINNING OF APRIL AND WHEN I TELL U THIS SHIT IS STRESSFULLLLL! OMG! IM TRYING TO BRING SOME OF MY HOMIES FROM HERE WITH ME BUT IT SEEMS LIKE EVERYONE IS ON THIS SERIOUS LAST MIN SLACK OFF, THEY DONT REALLY WANNA GO SHIT. IT BLOWS ME. I MEAN ITS OVER A MONTH ALMOST 2 MONTHS AWAY BUT YET IM STILL HAVING TROUBLES FIND BITCHES THAT ARE DOWN FOR THE TRIP.

IM TRYIN TO GO FOR A WEEK AND HAVE FUN WITH NO DRAMA AND STRESS FREE TROUBLE! LOL...I MEAN I GUESS I JUST WANNA MIX IT UP WITH MY GIRLS FROM HERE WITH SOME OF THE HOMIES FROM BACK HOME. IDK! IM SERIOUSLY THINKIN ABOUT BEING LIKE FUCKIN AND GOIN SOLO BUT THATS SOOOOO BORING! I WANNA HAVE FUN AND IF U KNOW ME U KNOW I LOVE HAVING FUN! BEEN PLANNING EVERYTHING OUT SO MUCH MY FINGERS HURT AND IM SO SICK OF LOOKING UP NUMBERS BUT ITS SO WORTH IT. ONE OF THE HOMIES I TALKED TO ON SKYPE TONIGHT SAID SHE IS DOWN TO GO BUT I WANNA GO WITH LIKE 4 OF US SO WE'LL SEE. FOUND A DREAM RENTAL HOUSE AND EVERYTHING. AND IT HELLA STUPID CHEAP! JUST HOW I LIKE IT! LOL

BUT ANYWAYZZZZ. LETS DO A REVIEW OF THE PASTED FEW DAYS SINCE I LAST WROTE. MR. SPECIAL TO ME HAS BEEN NO WHERE TO BE FOUND WHICH HURTS BUT SERIOUSLY NOT AS MUCH ANYMORE. I THINK IM GETTING TO THE POINT OF NO RETURN{SMH}WHICH IN THIS CASE IM NOT TO SAD ABOUT. I MEAN IVE DONE MY PART. IVE STUCK MY NECK OUT SOOOOOO MANY TIMES AND LET MY FEELINGS BE KNOWN BUT YET IM STILL BEING PLAYED WITH. AND IF YOU KNOW ME U KNOW GAMES IS NOT MY THING. MR.JUST A FRIEND HAS BEEN MISSING TOO. WHICH IS KINDA SAD BUT I MEAN NOT REALLY EITHER. LIKE HIS NAME SAYS...HE IS JUST A FRIEND.



EVERYTHING WAS PRETTY BORING AFTER I LAST WROTE. JUST BULLSHIT UNTIL MY DAWG ANGIE CALLED ME AND WAS ASKIN ABOUT THE CLUB THAT NIGHT. I WASNT FEELIN IT AT ALL BUT THEN I WAS READY! I GOT UP, GOT DRESSED AND WAS ON I-4 DOIN 85MPH FLYIN TOWARDS THE CLUB OH SO READY TO HURT SOME FEELINGS. I GOT TO THE CLUB AND SOMETHING IN ME WAS JUST ON EDGE. I GUESS I SHOULDA KNEW IT WAS GONNA BE ALL BAD BY THE WAY I WAS FEELING. I WAS HAVING A GOOD TIME BUT I GUESS I WASNT FEELING WHICH WAS SHOCKING SINCE IN THE PARKING LOT WHEN I MET UP WITH ANGIE AND THE LADIES I WAS EXCITED. EVERYTHING WS OK UNTIL THIS FAKE ASS BITCH WHO WAS ALL ON MY TWITTER TALKIN BOUT SHE MISSED ME BUT THEN WHEN SHE SAW ME THE ACT GOT PUT ON SO QUICK! SHE DIDNT SAY SHIT TO ME WHICH WAS COOL. SHIT I WASNT CRYIN. BUT THEN WHEN I WAS DANCING WITH MY HOMIE THE DJ THIS FAKE ASS BITCH PICKS UP THE MIC AND STARTS RUNNIN HER MOUTH ABOUT HOES AND BLAH BLAH! I STOPPED DANCING AND TURNED AROUND SO QUICK AND THEY ONLY THING STOPPING ME FROM GRABBIN HER FAKE ASS WEAVE PONY TAIL WAS RESPECT FOR MY HOMEBOY AND HIM BEING AT WORK. I TOOK ALL MY SHIT OFF AND WAS SO SUPER READY FOR A BITCH TO SEE ME. I FEEL LIKE IF U RUN YOUR MOUTH AND TALK ALL THAT SHIT THEN SHOW ME MY FADE. I WAS WAY PASTED READY!

HE EX BOYFRIEND CAME TO ME ALONG WITH OTHER PEOPLE AND SAID THEY WANTED ME TO CHILL AND SHE SWORE SHE WASNT TALKING ABOUT ME AND DIDNT HAVE A PROBLEM WITH ME BUT YET IM STANDING RIGHT THERE. IF THAT WAS THE CASE WHY WOULDNT U JUST TELL ME?!? I MEAN I DONT PUT SHIT PASTED THIS BITCH. SHE WAS TALKIN SHIT BOUT MY HOMIE ANGIE AND THEN ABOUT ME WHEN WE LASTED CHILLED AND HE OWN "BOYFRIEND" TOLD ME THOSE FUN FACTS AND I HEARD HER CALL MY DAWG ANGIE A HOE! SMH...WHICH IS FUNNY CAUSE WHEN I SPOKE HER NAME TO SOME OF THE HOMIES A CLEAR PICTURE WAS PAINTED OF HER SMASHIN ALL THE HOMIES LIKE IT WAS A SPORT SHE WAS TRYIN TO GET A METAL FOR AND THIS IS THE SAME GIRL THAT FINGERED.........THATS ANOTHER STORY! ANYWAYS....BACK TO THE SUBJECT. NOTHING JUMPED OFF OUTTA RESPECT FOR EVERYONE ELSE IN THE FUNCTION BUT THEN WHEN WE GOT OUTSIDE....

THIS DUMB ASS BITCH HITS MY HOMEBOY OUTTA NO WHERE BECAUSE HE WAS TALKIN TO HIS HOMEGIRL AND THIS DRUNK DUMB BITCH THOUGHT HE WAS TRYIN TO HOLLA! WRONG TO DUMB FUCK! MY HOMEBOY DONT HIT BITCHES BUT HE WAS GONNA KNOCK THIS BASIC BITCH OUT AND THEN I WALKED UP RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF IT ALREADY HEATED! I TRIED TO FIND OUT WHAT WAS GOING ON BUT RIGHT AS THAT HAPPEN HERE THIS BASIC BITCH GOES TRYIN TO SWING ON EVERYTHING BUT UP! LOL LAUGHABLE! HE WAS HEATED BUT AS WE WALKED TO THE CAR THE CALL WAS MADE AND THE SISTERS WERE PUT ON TO GAME AND THAT WILL BE HANDLED VERY SOON! LOL ME AND THE HOMIE JUST GONNA SIT BACK AND LAUGH!



WE PEACED OUT AND WALKED TO THE CAR WHEN OUTTA NO WHERE A CAR FULL OF NIGGAZ PULLS UP WITH THE "HEY GIRL! DAMN U THICK" COMMENTS LIKE ALWAYS WHEN AS I TURNED I HEAR "OH SHIT THAT ALEA! BRO DATS ALEA!" AND THEN I SEE I KNOW THE DRIVER. HE IS MY EX'S HOMEBOY AND THEN HE SAYS "LOOK LEAH! ITS ISSAC!" MY FUCKIN EX! OH FUCK! BLOW ME! ARE YOU FUCKIN SERIOUS!?! GRRRR! LAST TIME I SEEN THIS NIGGA HE WAS MARRIED TO SOME BITCH IN THE ARMY WITH HIM AND HE WAS BEGGIN I HEAR HIM OUT ABOUT HOW HE "ONLY MARRIED HER FOR MONEY" YEA YEA! I HAVE NO CLUE HOW THIS WAS GONNA GO AND THEN HE JUMPED OUT THE CAR WHILE IT WAS STILL ROLLING AND RAN OVER PICKED ME UP SPINNING ME AROUND SAYING " MY BABY! MY LOVE! MY BABY!" I WAS HAPPY TO SEE HIM BUT YET HELLA CONFUSED AND THEN I SAW THE TATS ALL OVER HIS ARMS AND I WAS LIKE OHHHHH LORD!

ANYONE THAT KNOWS ME KNOWS IM A SUCKA FOR INK! OMG I CANT HELP IT! BOYS WITH TATTOOS ARE SO UMMMM DELICIOUS! HMMMM! BACK TO THE STORY! THEN OUTTA NO WHERE HE KISSES ME LIKE HE WAS TRYIN TO SUCK THE AIR OUT MY LUNGS AND I SERIOUSLY ALMOST PASSED OUT BUT THEN I PUSHED HIM BACK AND SAID "HEY ARENT U MARRIED?!?" HE TOLD THEY WENT THEIR OWN WAYS AFTER HE GOT OUT THE ARMY AND HE WAS SINGLE WHICH MADE ME HELLA SMILE. HE WERE STANDING BY MY CAR FOR ABOUT 45 TO A HOUR IN THE COLD TALKING ABOUT US AND WHAT HAPPEN, PUTTING ALL THE FACTS TOGETHER AND THEN HE LEFT WITH HIS BOYS AND I GOT IN THE CAR AND ALMOST DIED! WAS SPEEDING HOME WITH A HUGE SMILE ON MY FACE WHEN HE TEXTED ME AND SAID "I WOULDA SAT OUT THERE ALL NIGHT TALKING TO YOU ALEA. BUT THESE NIGGAS WANTED TO GET HOME. I REALLY MISSED U ALEA!" I WAS GEEKED BUT COULDNT LOSE IT!WENT HOME AND SERIOUS HAVE NOT HEARD FROM HIM SINCE! SOOOOO NOT SHOCKING! I MEAN SERIOUSLY HE WAS FLAKY BACK THEN AND THIS AINT NOTHING NEW! BUT DAMN! C'MON SON! WHATS WITH THE UPS AND DOWNS?!? GRRRRR!



I SWEAR I HATE NIGGAS! BLAH BLAH YET AGAIN! I WENT HOME AND GOT ON TINYCHAT ONLY TO TALK TO MR.NY SOMEONE I TALKED TO BE4 BUT IT WAS SHORT LIVED AND I GUESS WE COOL AGAIN! I GUESS?!? KINDA FLAKY....STR8 TOASTER STRUDEL ON MY ASS! WHATS WITH THESE NIGGAS! GRRRRR! FUCK IT! YESTERDAY WAS NO BETTER EITHER. DUMB ASS GUY I ONCE LIKED KEEPS TRYIN TO CHILLIN{FUCK} SO I TOLD HIS DUMBASS I WAS MOVING! LOL AND THEN MY EX FUCK FRIEND, LETS JUST CALL HIM "JCB" KEEPS CALLING OUT THE BLUE TRYING TO GET THAT ONLY THING BACK WHEN I PRETTY SURE WE STOPPED THE FIRST TIME BECAUSE HE STARTED TELLIN PEOPLE AFTER 2 YEARS OF A GOOD SET UP! DUMBASS! OVER THERE RUNNIN HIS MOUTH FUCKED UP MY DICK INTAKE! THEN WHEN HIS GIRL FOUND OUT I WAS A CRAZY BITCH THAT HE NEVER MESSED WITH....YEA OK! PICS OF U NAKED IN MY BED WERE PHOTOSHOP RIGHT? OK ANYWAYS! NIGGAZ IS JUST BLOWIN ME NOWADAYS! THE BLAH BLAH CONTINUES!



SO TO RECAP! CALI TRIP HOME DRAMA OVER WHO WANTS TO GO OR NOT. CLUB DRAMA OVER DUMB BITCH RUNNIN HER MOUTH AND THEN TRYIN TO TAKE IT BACK. AND THEN PUTTING HER HAND ON THE HOMIE! GUYS BLOW LIKE ALWAYS. PRETTY MUCH NO ONE ON THE TEAM IS MVP IN THIS LOSTING GAME! OH YEA ON A HIGH NOTE I GOT 2400 FOLLOWERS ON TWITTER NOW. I KNOW IT SOUNDS DUMB BUT I REALLY FUKS WIT MY FOLLOWERS! THEY ALWAYS MAKE ME SMILE! I LOVE TWEETING WITH THEM! U GUYS ARE THE FUCKIN BEST TWITTER-LUVS!

LOVE AND ROCKETS
COMMODITY

U STAY WITH THE BLAH BLAH.......STFU!

ANOTHER DAY AND MORE OF HIS BLAH BLAH! EVERYDAY ITS NOTHIN NEW WITH HIS BROKEN RECORD ASS! HE IS ALWAYS COMIN WITH THE BLAH BLAH! I SWEAR ON EVERYTHING IF I HEAR "U THE ONLY ONE I WANT" ONE MORE TIME IMA JUST TAKE HELLO KITTY AND BLOW MY FUCKIN HEAD OFF! ITS ALWAYS SOMETHING WITH HIS ASS! HE WAS MILLION REASONS WHY IM NOT IN HIS EVERYDAY BUT THEN WANTS ME TO FEEL SPECIAL WHEN HE CALLS.......EPIC FAIL! I GET BORED WITH GUYS SO EASY I REALLY DONT THINK HE UNDERSTANDS. I MEAN I TALK TO GUYS HERE AND THERE BUT RIGHT NOW AT THIS TIME THERES ONLY ONE GUY WHO HAS ME THINKIN OF HIM IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT. HE HAS THE MOST BEAUTIFUL EYES I HAVE EVER SEEN. I SWEAR WHEN HE LAUGHS I GET SOOO HAPPY. HE MAKES ME SMILE WITHOUT TRYING AND MAKE ME FEEL SPECIAL WITHOUT WORDS AND GET THIS. WE'RE JUST FRIENDS! THATS SHIT BLOWS ME!

HOW CAN SOMEONE THAT MAY LIKE ME BUT IM JUST FRIENDS WITH TREAT ME LIKE YOU SHOULD AND WE'VE BEEN DOING THIS ROLLER COASTER FOR HOW LONG NOW? C'MON SON! WHAT DO I NEED TO DO TO SHOW U THAT IF I WAS WITH U IT WOULD BE AMAZING! I WOULD GEEKED IF U WOULD JUST WAKE UP AND SEE WHATS RIGHT IN FRONT OF U BUT I THINK IN MY HEART I GAVE UP ON U MONTHS AGO AND IM REALLY RIDING ON A DEAD HORSE NOW! I DONT KNOW......GRRRRR! FUCK IT! U'LL NEVER GET IT ANYWAYS. I LOVED PARTS OF U THAT OTHERS SAW AS FLAWS BUT IT MEANS NOTHING. STILL SAVED VOICEMAILS THAT SERIOUSLY IN ALL HONESTY MEAN NOTHING! FUCKKKKK! IM OVER IT!

IM DONE WASTING MY TIME ON THAT! #ONTOTHENEXT.........SO IN LIFE SHIT HAS BLOWED ME LIKE A LOW PAID PORNSTAR! IM STILL OVER HERE TRYIN TO NOT CRY EVERY TIME I THINK OF JAYDEN{MY GODSON THAT I SPOKE OF BELOW FOR THOSE WHO HAVEN'T TOOK THE TIME TO READ BELOW}! IN MY HEART I STILL CANT BELIEVE UR GONE. U WOULDA BEEN 6 ON THE 23RD OF LAST MONTH AND I CANT BELIEVE ITS BEEN ALMOST 2 YEARS THAT SORRY ASS LIL BOY TOOK UR LIFE FROM U AND THAT DUMB BITCH I ONCE CALLED A FRIEND DID NOTHING TO SAVE U! PAUSE.........{5 MINS LATER} I TRIED BUT I COULDNT SPEAK ON YOUR NAME WITHOUT BREAKING INTO TEARS. I LIVE EVERYDAY WATCH ERIC, JAY, AND TIA GROW UP AND INSIDE ITS KILLING ME! ERIC JUST TURNED 6 TOO BABYBOY. HE IS SOOO BIG! EVERYDAY I GO OUTSIDE HE COMES RUNNING WITH HIS NEW PUPPY! HE TALKS ABOUT U FROM TIME TO TIME. HE MISSES U TOO! WE ALL DO! IM STILL GOING TO GET THE TAT OF UR FOOTPRINT FOR U! ERIC IS SOOO JEALOUS! HE WANTS ME TO GET A SPIDERMAN FOR HIM! LOL I DONT WANT HIM TO KNOW BUT IN MY HEART YOU'LL ALWAYS HOLD JUST A LIL STRONGER HOLD. SHHHH! U BETTER NOT TELL HIM! DO ME A FAVOR HIGH FIVE PJ, GIL, BRANDON, E, AND ZAC FOR ME. I KNOW THEY ARE ALL UP THERE HANGIN WITH U AND SHOWING U ALL THE LOVE WE CANT. DONT LET THEM GET U IN TROUBLE. THEY ALWAYS WERE THE WILD ONES! PAUSE.......

ITS SERIOUSLY WILD TO THINK OF THE THINGS IVE DONE AN GONE THUR TO GET HERE. THE WRONGS, THE RIGHTS, THE UPS AND THE MANY DOWNS. THE TEARS THE SOAKED MY PILLOWS TIME AND TIME AGAIN WHEN I FELT LIKE I JUST COULDA TAKE ANYMORE AND I WAS RIGHT ON THE EDGE. AND NOW I STAND WITH A HAND FULL OF TRUE FRIENDS, HAND FULL OF FAMILY AND 3 GODBABIES THAT MEAN THE WORLD TO ME. I THANKFUL TO STILL BE ALIVE. I CAME SO CLOSE TO FALLING SOOOO MANY TIMES BUT SOMEONE ALWAYS HELD ME HANDS AND HELPED ME UP FROM THE MADNESS EVERY TIME. IM SAYIN GOD. NO MATTER HOW MANY TIMES SINNING GOT ME INTO TROUBLE HE ALWAYS HELD ME HANDS AND HELPED ME OUT OF IT ALL. DAMN.......I SERIOUSLY NEED TO GET BACK TO CHURCH. IVE BEEN SPILLIN EXTRA HEAVY. IDK SHITS JUST SO CRAZY. IVE BEEN SPENDING ALOT OF TIME ALONE. JUST SITTING IN MY ROOM OR GOING AWAY SOMEWHERE THINKING WHAT MY NEXT MOVE WILL BE. DONT REALLY HAVE ANYONE IN MY CORNER ANYMORE. I REALIZE AT THE END OF LAST YEAR. ALOT OF THE PEOPLE THAT WAS IN MY CORNER WERE FAKER THEN LADY GAGA'S WIGS! I GUESS I KINDA LIKE THIS SOLO THING. IT SEEMS LIKE EVERY TIME I MAKE A NEW FRIEND THEY COME WITH THE BULLSHIT. IM KINDA BETTER OFF SOLO.

SPEAKING OF BULLSHIT LET ME VENT ON THIS BULLSHIT I GOT PUSHED INTO WHEN I WAS JUST TRYING TO BE A GOOD FRIEND! SO THIS GUY IMA JUST CALL HIM "P" AKA PUSSY ASS FAKE NIGGA BUT IM JUST SAYIN! ME AND HIM KNEW EACH OTHER FROM THE WHACK ASS CLUB SCENE IN ORLANDO. HE DATED 1 OF MY "FRIENDS" AND THEY BROKE UP BUT WE WAS COOL. HE STARTED DATING A GIRL IN ORLANDO WHO KINDA HAD A NAME FOR HERSELF AND EVERYTHING SEEMED COOL UNTIL OUT OF NO WHERE HE STARTED CALLING ME AND TRYIN TO CHILL LOWKEY ON SOME BOOTCALL SHIT. IM NOT A COLD HEARTED ASS BITCH{MOST OF THE TIME} SO I WAS LIKE FUCK THAT. U GOOD. TOLD HIM HE HAD A GIRL AND HE SAID "WE BOTH GROWN" FAIL! SO LIKE THE REAL BITCH I AM I TOLD THIS GIRL ABOUT HER MAN IN THE CLUB 1 NIGHT WHILE I WAS ALIL TIPSY{MY BAD}. I SHOULDA SAID SOMETHING AT ANOTHER TIME BUT I FUCKED UP. OH WELL. SHE TOOK ME STR8 TO HIM AND THEN OUTTA NO WHERE HE STARTS YELLING AND SCREAMIN IN MY FACE SAYIN IM LYIN WHICH BLOWED ME! I WAS TIPSY AND IT HAD BEEN A LONG WEEKEND OF PARTY! I HAD NO CLUE WHAT TO SAY! I WAS IN SHOCKED WHICH MADE ME LOOK SOOOOO BAD! SHE WALKED AWAY WITH THE IDEA IN HER HEAD I WAS A LYIN ASS BITCH. WRONG!

I LET IT GO. A FEW WEEKS LATER I RAN INTO "P" AT MY FRIENDS CLUB NIGHT{ THURSDAY NIGHTS AT ELEMENT NIGHT CLUB DOWNTOWN ORLANDO PINE ST! ITS THE SHIT! U SHOULD GO! LOL @ MY RANDOM PROMO! HEHEHE} HE WALKED UP TO ME AND WAS LIKE I DONT WANNA HAVE PROBLEMS. NO BEEF. IT IS WHAT IT IS. I WAS LIKE WHATEVER. WE AINT COOL BUT NO BEEF. AND KEEP IT MOVIN. SO FROM NOW ON WHEN I SAW HIM HE WOULD SAY HEY AND THEN KEEP IT MOVIN BUT ME AND THE CHICK SAID NOTHING TO EACH EVERRRRRR! AND THEN 1 OFMY "FRIENDS" CAME TO ME AND WAS LIKE SHE THINKS SHE IS PREG. I TOLD HER I HAD HER BACK AND WOULD GO WITH HER NO MATTER WHAT THE CHOICE WAS. AND WHEN I ASKED WHO THE BABY'S DADDY WAS SHE SAID "P"! OMG...OH SHIT.....WTFFFFFFFFF! I WAS LIKE OH HELLLLLL NAW!

I TOLD HER HE HAD A GIRL AND SHE WAS BLOWED. SHE HAD NO CLUE. HE TOLD HER HE WAS SINGLE! LIES LIES LIES YET AGAIN BUT MY "FRIEND" WASNT A CLUB PERSON AND DIDNT KNOW HIM LIKE THAT OTHER THAN WHEN SHE WOULD SEE HIM 1 ON 1 OR AT MY FRIENDS CLUB NIGHT {THURSDAY NIGHTS AT ELEMENT NIGHT CLUB DOWNTOWN ORLANDO PINE ST! @DJJAYR KILLS IT! ANOTHER PROMO! HEHEHE} SHE WAS HEATED! SHE CALLED HIM AND ASKED ABOUT HIS GIRLFRIEND WHICH HE TOLD HER THE TRUTH!{BOUT DAMN TIME!} SHE DIDNT TELL HIM I TOLD HER OR THAT WE EVEN KNEW EACH OTHER. BUT SHE ASKED ME TO GO TO HER DOCTOR APPOINTMENT WITH HER THE FALLING WEEK IN WHICH HE WOULD BE AT.....MAYBE! SHIT I WISH I HAD THEME MUSIC CAUSE THIS IS WHEN IT GETS GOOD! SO THE WEDNESDAY OF THE APPOINTMENT CAME UP AND I HAD NO PROBLEM SHOWING UP! I WAS THERE BUT THERE WAS NO HIM.....AT FIRST! THEN OUTTA NO WHERE HE CAME WALKING IN AND I SWEAR WHEN THAT NIGGA SAW ME OF ALLLL PEOPLE SITTING NEXT TO HER HE WAS BLOWEDDDDDD! LOL HELLA PRICELESS! ALL 2 OF US WAS THERE WHEN THEY TOLD HER SHE WAS 6 WEEKS PREG AND THE TIMES MATCH UP ITS HIS! I WAS JUMPIN AROUND INSIDE BUT THAT WASNT ME FOCUS! MY FOCUS WAS ON MY "FRIEND" I HAD TO MAKE SURE SHE WAS OK WITH IT AND IF SHE WAS GONNA KEEP THE BABY!

SHE WAS CONFUSED BUT IN THE END THEY TALKED ABOUT IT AND HE SAID "MY FAMILY WILL NEVER ACCEPT THIS BABY! THEY DONT KNOW U AND I HAVE A GIRL! ITS HER BIRTHDAY IN A FEW DAYS! SHE CANT FIND OUT ABOUT THIS NOW!" SO I DONT KNOW WHAT WAS SAID AFTER I LEFT HER AND WENT HOME BUT IN THE END SHE DIDNT WANNA KEEP THE BABY AND GOT A....WELL U KNOW! I WAS IN CALI AT THE TIME AND HAD NO CLUE. BUT WHAT DID I CARE? IT WASNT MY BABY AND HE WASNT MY MAN! UNTIL.......A FEW WEEKS LATELY I RAN INTO P AND HIS GIRL AT A CLUB. ME AND HIM SPOKE BUT I SAID NOTHING TO HER LIKE ALWAYS UNTIL SHE CAM UP TO ME AND WANTED TO "TALK". SHE SAID SHE DIDNT WANNA HAVE HARD FEELINGS FOR ME BUT THAT THE NIGHT I TOLD HER ABOUT HIM TALKIN TO ME SHE WAS UPSET ABOUT WHAT HAPPEN WHEN I WAS IN FRONT OF HIM. WHICH I COULD UNDERSTAND CAUSE I WAS TIPSY AND I LOOKED REALLY BAD WHEN HE STARTED YELLING BUT I MEAN C'MON SON, I HAD A GUY YELLIN IN MY FACE LIKE HE WAS GONNA DO SOMETHING. I WOULD THREW OFF. WE SPOKE AND THEN I SPILLED AND SAID SOMETHING ABOUT THE BABY. IDK WHY BUT I TOLD HER ABOUT MY "FRIEND" AND THE BABY AND HIM AND THE APPOINTMENT AND EVERYTHING. I TOLD HER THAT MY "FRIEND" DIDNT KNOW ABOUT HER AND EVERYTHING. SHE GOT MY NUMBER AND TOLD ME TO HAVE HER CALL ME SO THEY COULD TALK WHICH I SAID OK. BUT SHE SAW THIS! TOWARDS THE END OF THE NIGHT OUTSIDE HE WALKED UP TO ME AND ASKED IF I WAS TRYIN TO TELL HER. I JUST LOOKED AT HIM AND DIDNT REPLY. BUT SHE STARTED ACTING FUNNY AND AT THE END OF THE NIGHT SHE TOLD HIM LIKE A DUMBASS! HE GOT ALL MAD AND WAS YELLING AT ME LIKE HE DID THE FIRST TIME SAYIN I WAS TRYING TO BREAK THEM UP AND WHY. SAYIN I WAS A CRAZY BITCH AND THEN HE CALLED MY "FRIEND" A WHORE! HE SAID 3 OF HIS BOYS RAN A TRAIN ON HER AND HE NEVER FUCKED HER! I WAS BLOWIN! I CALLED HER RIGHT THERE IN FRONT OF HIM AND HER BUT SHE WAS WITH HER MAN AND WASNT PICKING UP! GRRRRRRR! SO LIKE THE FIRST TIME THE GIRL WALKED AWAY AND DIDNT SAY NOTHING ELSE. I TEXTED HER THE GIRLS NUMBER AND TOLD HER TO CALL HER AND ASKS HER HERSELF AND DROPPED IT BUT MY BOYS DIDNT.

THEY FOUND OUT WHAT HAPPEN AND WENT CRAZY! THEY WANTED TO KILL HIM FOR GETTING IN MY FACE LIKE THAT BUT I DROPPED IT. THE NEXT DAY MY "FRIEND" AND THE GIRL TALKED AND LIKE A STUPID BITCH MY "FRIEND" WAS COVERING FOR HIS FUCK ASS AND LEAVING ME OUT THERE TO LOOK LIKE A CRAZY STALKER BITCH! I WAS SO HEATED! I JUST SAID FUCK THE WHOLE THING. TOLD THEM ALL TO GO TO HELL AND WENT BOUT MY LIFE! NOW WHEN I SEE THE GIRL SHE HITS THE DRITY LOOKS LIKE A DUMB BITCH WHICH IS SOOOO FUNNY CAUSE SHE IS THE ONE SLEEPING WITH DRITY DICK! LOL "P" JUST LOOK AT ME AND SMILES CAUSE HE GOT AWAY WITH IT! AND THE "FRIEND" ACTS LIKE NOTHING HAPPEN AND TRYS TO ACT LIKE WE PEOPLES! EPIC FAIL!

I REALLY DONT KNOW WHY I WROTE ALL THIS BUT IT FEELS GOOD TO GET MY SIDE OF THE STORY OUT! I JUST CANT WAIT TILL KARMA HITS THEIR ASSES! ITS GONNA BE GOOD SHIT! LOL KARMA IS A BITCH AND THAT BITCH'S NAME IS COMMODITY"ALEA" LOL *DEAD* IMA STOP TYPING! MY FINGERS HURT! LOL MORE LATER!

LOVE AND ROCKETS{MY LIFE AS LIZ ROCKS}
COMMODITY"ALEA

THE START OF A NEW

So I guess this is a new outlet for me! A start of a new way for me to spill how I really feel without worrying about anything anyone has to say cause I'm gonna be real....THIS IS MY SHIT! U DONT LIKE WHAT I GOTTA SAY THEN LEAVE!

So let me get started by posting some blogs i had on my random ass myspace. I hope you read, enjoy and learn alot about me that u might not know. Feel free to asks questions.

Ya Girl,
-Commodity{Alea}-



-December 30, 2006 - Saturday

Can you.....show me...you!?!

Its harder than its seems to sit so close and not have childish day dreams of things we've done behind closed doors. Times when I screamed and gasped begging for more. I want you to want me in ways I want you. I want you to show me that I can trust you. Show me that the vibes of player like tendencies are just me being scared. And that in reality I have nothing to fear. I want you to help my open places in my heart that have been closed and forgotten by pasted heartbreak. I want you to.......show me!

Show me how it feels to be free. Tie me up in your embrace and let me stay inside the feelings I get when our bodies are so close that we make not two but one as a whole. One pair of lovers. One pair of dreamers. One pair together.

I long so much for you to hold me near. To hear you tell me as you kiss my resting lips that I have nothing to fear. The whispers of words only our souls can hear. I wake to your lips and your body next to mine. We're eye to eye but your not looking just at me but in me. Pasted the front of a smiling face and to the person I really am.

You see my soul and you touch it, time and time again. You leave your mark in places I've forgotten were there. I flash back every time I see your face. Back to times when I cried out Gods name thanking him for you. You make me feel like I'm lost within you! I float above my problems and I kiss the heavens with you as my guide but in my heart I'm still afraid of you. Afraid of the feelings I get from you vibe. Afraid but still reaching from the feelings and emotions im feeling for your soul. Reaching towards the heat I feel from your soul and wondering if you could ever show me that what you say is true? Is the feelings that we shared worth that to you? Can you......show me...you!


-December 31, 2006 - Sunday


If Life was a movie!

If life was a movie and I could pick which roll to play I already know what I'd say but to the people who are only lookin from the outside in, let me school you, class is in. When I was little, as far back as I can recall, my life was a joke and I mean everyone and everything involved.

Abuse seen and felt at a young age. Black and blue marks in the place of kisses and hugs. I would lay and bed and think I can't believe my daddy loves us this much. Moved from place to place and forced to fit in. Even when the color of my skin left me alone in the end. No real solid family to call my own. I was just kinda young, dumb and alone.

Divorce became our family story before I could remember his face. Then I felt I could be me. Tried my hardest to feel at ease. Mom working like a dog just to survive left us at home most of the time. Just me, and my brother home alone. Living in a place that soon became my temp home.

Back to CALI I went once again. Living under a place I nicknamed hell, which in reality was daddy's fist and daddy's new bitch's living room floor bedroom of hell. Wearing make-up to cover marks he left across my small fame body where he showed his love. I broke away after 9 months when I felt enough was enough. Then next day Mom showed up to get me and my brother both. In a car driving to the unknown. Didn't asks questions, we just had to go.

Belize was my new home but for how long? This wasn't Oregon or CALI. Could this be a place I would learn to call home? By this time fitting in became to easy. I easily change and switched up everything to become what was accepted. Mom was so busy that most of the time my needs were mostly neglected. She found someone to marry and love. To her he was a blessing from above.

We packed again and off we go. She said Orlando will become your new home. I came to Orlando scared and afraid. They tested me and put me in the 4Th grade. Shy and scared I stayed to myself. In dance I showed all the emotion I felt. I lived like if the world was mine. Then a door bell rings and it was daddy time.

He found me again. I went into shock. Broke in tears and ran down the block. I hid in a tree till my brother appeared. He found me shaking, heartbroken with my face soaked with tears. I just kept saying "Dad can't be here." He found us some way. I was overcome with fear. But he soon showed me why he was here. To get my love he flashed his cash. I pointed I got it, it was that fast. To today's standards ballin he was but even with all his money he couldn't buy back my love.

My brother made the choice to stay with him. I guess the money sucked him in. I went every summer just to spend again. Then the FBI kicked his door in. Family put me and my brother on a plane. Back to Florida but this time to stay. 30 years was the story for dear old dad. I just couldn't feel bad for the father I never had. I'll be 42 till I see him again but in my heart the true daddy's girl still lives within.

Fights here and there with my Mom became common. Stepmother funding my bank accounts was no problem. Family problems here and there. I lived life as if I didn't care. Pregnancy soon became my story. But now that another story. Relationships became my weakness. Lookin for someone not tryin to be in what I nicknamed my deepest. Not tryin to be inside of me. Just someone to stand by my side and do right by me. But lets be real, GUYS WILL BE GUYS! But I fell many times for stories and lies.

So I guess you were wrong after all. I know to many I look like the girl who has it all but you couldn't have been more wrong. I to can sing my own sad song. So I guess for now my roll in the movie is the girl that smiles, laughs, dances, and is just tryin to do her but inside has a deep story thats just unknown. Not the prom queen or the girl who keeps taken guys for an emotional ride. Just the girl chillin and still searching for the right guy.


-March 5, 2007 - Monday


Lord Why? Why My Boyz? RIP Zach And E!!! I Love U Always!

This one is for you Zach and E! I don't know what life will be without you here. I love you always!







Didn't want to believe it but its true. Drinking and driving took your lives from you. You always said "Do it big or not at all" but I never believed doin it big would be your down fall. My heart hit the floor when I heard from a friend that I would never laugh and joke with you again. The tears I cry come falling down like there is no end. Tears for the times we'll never have again. For the jokes that will never be told again and the inside jokes I'll really have to keep inside cause the laughter died when you died that never forgettable day. I love you with all my heart and soul and I pray that one day I'll see you again. I'll never forget you two. I will always

DO IT BIG OR NOT AT ALL FOR YOU! I hope you know I love you!

RIP ZACH AND E! 3-4-07


-March 12, 2007 - Monday

Aint that a Bitch!!!!!!! Poem! Read The Whole Thing To Understand!

I was thinking about you. Thinking about what it felt like the first time I saw you. You were everything I had ever wanted and could ever wish for. I know its corny to say but you had me since hello. Since the first time you smiled my way. I remember the first time we kissed. The way your lips fit perfect with mine. First kisses can make or break someones relationship and in our case it made it and made me fall for you. You understood that I'd been hurt alot before but you didn't care. You understood that I got alot of rumors about me comin from haters and that they would say and do anything to see me unhappy but you didn't care. You kept telling me that you believed in me and that I was worth the drama and fight.

I was thinking about the first time. The first time you touched places in me that I forgot I had. The first time I felt you heart beating with mine as I gave my all to you and you gave your all to me. You respected me enough to wait for it and you wrapped yourself within it when you got it. You respected my background and the woman that I have become because of it. You wanted to grow with me and not just change and mold me into what would please you.

I couldnt stop smiling when I thought of the way it feels to have your face be the first thing I see when I wake up in your arms. And how it feels when you just look in my eyes and place the most simplest forehead kiss upon my head. Then I thought about the way you first told me you loved me. I could still feel my heart melt like I was reliving that moment over again. The laughs we shared acting like kids in Disney Quest and running up and down the beach and then.............................................................................

I woke up. I realized that everything I was thinking about was just a fantasy. A dream.....of what I wish I could find. One tear hit my pillow as I thought about everything that happen in that dream and how everything that I was dreaming about is what I truly want. I layed still and I fell back asleep to dream of him once more.

Aint that a bitch!


-November 15, 2007 - Thursday

ALL ON YOU!

To think that Im really sitting back and having flash backs to the first time we touched. You didnt even know I wanted you but traces of you were left all over me before you knew my name. Before you knew me and not only of me. I got lost inside your smile the first time we met. From a single hand shake you took my breath away. You glow without trying. You make me glow without trying. You love parts of me that I pray to change. You touch and kiss places that no one has ever been before and sex doesnt even have to be a topic. You came into my life as a friend and have take over my heart and soul as a lover without even making love to me. Your who many females dream of and you just don't know it. Your nerd like ways are by far the sexiest thing about you. I never really went for the geeks but in your case thats a upgrade. From late night phone calls to nose rubbing and butterfly kissed night caps you got me hooked. My days are filled with daydreams of simple kisses that we shared that have changed my life in many ways. I dont think of others in the same light. Your single kiss has me tripping out and Im happy it happen. Walking around with big smiles on my face and got everyone saying "Oh shit! Something happen" and their right! You happen! From days of the long walks worrying about guys that treat me like shit and "friends" that suck, to now....happy smiles and laughs. But trying to get you to take a risk on me is the only thing I want to do. I wish you could see that really growing with you is all I want to do. Now the question is..........WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?!? IT'S ALL ON YOU?????


-December 1, 2007 - Saturday


LETTER TO MR.WHAT FELT RIGHT!

Dear Mr. What Felt Right,
I felt it the first time we talked and I wanted so bad for it not to be true! I felt that something was just not right about you! Something off the pages of the wrong book. Something that was so wrong but tasted so good. I let you in when I should of stayed where I was at. Yea, where I was at was whack but at the same time where I was at would never leave me feeling the empty feeling where your head once rested and your lips once touched. Being hurt by someone who could never touch your soul is nothing compared to being hurt by someone whos soul became sooo close to your that for a second you forgot you were two different people. You forgot you were not ment to be. You got lost in the feelings of being safe in between the pages of their book even thou the paper cuts the book left upon your fingers were so deep you could no longer read between the bloody lines. Places where you kissed me, I wish i could scrub away the traces you left. I wish I could change everything about the day we met. I wish you were different then the rest. I wish you could live up to be half the man I see in you! I wish you would let your self shine in half the light I see inside you. I wish you weren't just Mr. What Felt Right!

I wish I could forget everything more than you could EVER know! I wish I didnt feel your heart race every time we touched. I wish I didnt care about every little thing that may you the man you are. I wish and I hope and I can pray till my knees give away to God and my voice cant speak of the pain any longer but why? Why care? Why crying? Why did I even listen to those pointless lies? I asks myself those questions everyday. I asks myself those questions all the time. I asks myself over and over again, why would you fall for Mr. What Felt Right?


-May 25, 2008 - Friday

LETTER TO MY UNBORN CHILD. RIP!

BABY GIRL,
EVEN THOU YOU CAME AS A SHOCK. I WAS READY FOR YOU. YOU BECAME MY EVERYDAY AND YOU WERE MONTHS AWAY FROM BEING BORN. I TOLD MY FRIENDS AND FAMILY ABOUT YOU WITH THE BIGGEST SMILE ON MY FACE AS THE JOY OF THE LIFE I WAS HOLDING INSIDE MY BELLY GREW TO A SIZE I NEVER THOUGHT IT WOULD. ME AND YOUR DADDY DID EVERYTHING TO GET READY FOR YOU. MADE LIFETIME MOVES THAT WOULD MAKE SURE YOUR LIFE WAS ALWAYS THE BEST. I TRIED TO HOLD ON BUT SOMETHING HELD YOU FROM ME. I FOUND OUT ABOUT YOU ON X-MAS EVE AND LOST YOU ONLY A FEW MONTHS LATER. BUT IN THOSE MONTHS I GREW TO LOVE THE SICK MORNINGS AND THE OVER SLEEPY FEELINGS OF EVERYDAY. IT WAS A SMALL PRICE TO PAY FOR A HEAVEN SENT LIFE. YOUR MOMMY AND DADDY'S ANGEL NOW. WATCH OVER US NOW BABY. WE BOTH GREW TO LOVE THE IDEA OF YOU AND BOTH ARE SAD YOUR GONE BUT JUST KNOW IN OURS HEARTS YOU WILL ALWAYS LIVE ON. OUR LOVE FOR YOU WILL NEVER STOP I HOPE YOU KNOW THAT. WE WIILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU ALWAYS.

MOMMY AND DADDY!


-June 28, 2008 - Saturday

๑۩๑Justice for Jayden๑۩๑


๑۩๑Justice for Jayden ๑۩๑
The picture above is of 4-year-old Jayden Hayes who on April 3rd, 2008 was murdered at the hands of the mother's boyfriend 19-year-old Jonathan Ortiz by a fatal blow to the stomach of 4-year-old Jayden Hayes. Jayden was deeply loved by family and friends and was a light in the early days of his life! I love Jayden very much and miss him deeply. Jayden's killer is only looking to face 5years or less for the killing of our angel. Jayden is 1 of 3 of my godsons. He death is still a shock to me and Im still heartbroken but we are still fighting for JUSTICE FOR JAYDEN! I LOVE U JAYDEN AND I WILL NEVER LET U GO IN MY HEART!

*UPDATE* Jonathan Ortiz is now out on bond, while Jayden's family suffers the consequence of his actions, Jonathan is walking the streets...*UPDATE*

*UPDATE* COURT CASE IS STILL IN THE WORKS. I WILL KEEP U POSTED*UPDATE*


-September 10, 2008 - Wednesday

Different

You say your different. You say your a step above the rest. But its funny that you say this only when your finished and I'm laying naked on your chest. You give me forehead kisses as if that seals the deal. I push away and you can tell....without words you know I know. You drop some lines about us taking it slow. You keep runnin the same played out lines over and over again. "We need to get to know each other better," "We need to become friends." I just keep thinkin to myself, what are we doin then?!? We get lost within each other sexually and then you hit me with the lets be friends. You keep swearing to God your so different and you'll show me in the end. I lay down and think to myself, if your so different then why are you acting like everybody else then? Your only around when sex is on the menu. If sex is not a option then you presents is not needed. You see me in public and I go 30 mins before even being greeted. You say your gonna change but your actions speak so much louder than words. I gave you a out many times before and you pushed it away. Keep sayin your different and "thats my word, ok?".

You told me you were mad about what I had to say But I can't apologize, you made me feel this way. You don't understand why I see and think about you this way! But maybe its because I wanted you to be different but really your just the same. Same person, same lines, same game, different face. But in the end I guess you are different in many different ways. I mean I don't know many guys that would go so hard to fight what I have to say. And I don't know many guys that wouldn't take the easy way out when its right in their face. So I guess you were different.....but in all the wrong ways.


-February 1, 2009 - Sunday

THE REAL! GUYS THIS IS FOR YOU!


I KEEP GETTING THESE NOTES FROM GUYS ASKIN WHAT I WANT AND NEED FROM A GUY. ASKIN WHY I DONT "FUCKS WIT A NIGGA" AND "WHY IM SINGLE"! I SORRY GUYS BUT BOTH THOSE QUESTIONS ARE A DEAL BREAKER AND LAME AS SHIT! GUYS ASKIN WHAT I WANT OUTTA A GUY AND WHAT MAKES ME TURNED ON MY A GUYS SWAG WELL HERE IS MY BLUEPRINT!

I LIKE A GUY WITH THE KIND OF SWAG THAT MAKES ME WANT THEM FROM ACROSS THE ROOM! I WANNA SEE THIS GUY IN THE MIDDLE OF A PACKED ROOM AND HIM STANDED OUT JUST BECAUSE HE IS HIS SELF. I DONT LIKE GUYS THAT HAVE TO DO ALL THE ECT. ECT. ECT. ON THE DANCE FLOOR WITH HIS BOYZ BUT JUST BE VIBIN TO THE MUSIC AND DOIN HIM. I WANT A GUY THAT NO MATTER WHAT THEY NEVER FAKE OR FRONT ABOUT WHO THEY ARE. THEIR JUST THEM.

I DONT LIKE GUYS WHO GRAB ALL OVER YOU AND COME UP TO YOU WHEN YOUR DANCIN WITH YOUR GIRLS ARE PUT THEIR DICK ON YOUR BACK LIKE A DUMBASS WHO IS CLEARLY THINKIN WITH THEIR DICKS AND NOT THEIR MINDS. I MEAN I KNOW I DANCE LIKE A FREAK AND IM OVER THE TOP BUT DONT JUST PUT YOUR DICK ON MY BACK. I MEAN COME ON! NIGGA I DONT KNOW YOU! DONT THINK THAT JUST BECAUSE IM DANCIN I GOTTA DANCE WITH YOU BECAUSE NIGGA YOUR WRONG AS HELL! THATS A QUICK WAY TO GET LAUGHED AT AND HAVE ME LOOKIN AT YOU CRAZY! LOL!

PLEASE IF YOU SEE ME AND YOU KNOW ME FROM MYSPACE OR SOMETHING PLEASE DONT WAIT TILL IM HOME AND THEN WRITE ME TO TELL ME. I LIKE BOLD GUYS. IF YOU KNOW ME FROM SOMEWHERE SPEAK! I DONT BITE. IM FAR FROM A BITCH EVEN THOU I MAY LOOK LIKE IM GONNA BE LIKE NIGGA PLEASE GET THE HELL OUTTA MY FACE IM NOT. IM REALLY OVERLY NICE SO DONT BE SCARED TO SPEAK.

I LIKE A GUY THAT HAS GOALS. I MEAN NOT EVERYONE IS GONNA BE A STAR. SOMETIMES ITS TIME TO WAKE UP AND GET SOME REAL GOALS. I MEAN A GUY WITH 1 OR MORE BABIES OUT THERE AND YOU STILL HAVE NO REAL GOALS BUT RAPPIN OR SMOKE WITH YOUR NIGGA EVERYDAY THATS A RED FLAG AND I DEAL BREAKER! I AM QUICK TO DISMISS A NIGGA FOR THAT CRAP ASAP!

I HATE OVERLY HOOD NIGGAS. IF I CANT TALK TO YOU WITHOUT HAVIN TO SAY "WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU SAY" OVER AND OVER ITS NOT GONNA WORK. I HATE THAT "IM THE SHIT" SWAG. CLEARLY IF YOU’RE THE SHIT YOU WOULDNT HAVE TO TELL SOMEONE ELSE YOU ARE. HELL NO YOUR NOT THE HOTTEST THING SMOKIN AND NO I DONT OWE YOU SHIT. YOU GOT LIFE FUCKED IF YOU THINK IMA BREAK MY NECK FOR ANY NIGGA! ITS NOT MY STYLE AND WILL NEVER HAPPEN! NO GUY IS THAT SERIOUS. AND TRUTHFULLY HEARIN A GUY TALKIN ABOUT HOW I SHOULD COME SEE HIM AND I SHOULD COME GET THEM AND I I I I I! GUESS WHAT I DONT THINK SO! NIGGA YOU GOT LIFE FUCKED UP. IM CLASSIC. I LIKE GUYS TO PULL OUT ALL THE STOPS BEFORE I EVEN THINK ABOUT BREAKIN MY NECK TO SEE HIM OR WASTE MY TIME GOIN OUT MY WAY TO SEE HIM. ITS NOT THAT SERIOUS.

I LIKE GUYS LIKE PHARRELL AND JUSTIN FROM BALDWIN HILLS! I LIKE CLEAN CUT, SEXY, SWAG OF THERE OWN GUYS. I LOVE GUYS WITH TATTOOS! THATS A BIG ASS TURN ON! I LIKE RISK TAKERS. SOMEONE WHO DOES THEIR OWN THING. I LIKE PRETTY BOY THUGS. RESPECTFUL TREND SETTERS. AND UNTIL I FIND MY GUY I'LL STAY SINGLE. ITS BEEN A YEAR NOW THAT IVE BEEN DOIN ME WITH MY SINGLE LIFESTYLE. I MEAN SOMETIMES THERE ARE SOME LONELY NIGHTS BUT I RATHER BE LONELY THAN TO SETTLE FOR LESS THAN THE BEST! CHECK YOUR SWAG BABY!


-RANDOM LOVE SHIT!



"THERE ARE TH0SE TYPES 0F RELATI0NSHIPS THAT 0PEN Y0U UP T0 S0METHING NEW & EX0TIC, TH0SE THAT ARE 0LD AND FAMILIAR, TH0SE THAT BRING UP L0TS 0F QUESTI0NS, TH0SE THAT BRING Y0U S0MEWHERE UNEXPECTED, TH0SE THAT BRING Y0U FAR FR0M WHERE Y0U STARTED, AND TH0SE THAT BRING Y0U BACK. BUT THE M0ST EXCITING, CHALLENGING AND SIGNIFICANT RELATI0NSHIP 0F ALL IS THE 0NE Y0U HAVE WITH Y0URSELF. AND IF Y0UR LUCKY EN0UGH T0 FIND S0ME0NE T0 L0VE THE Y0U THAT Y0U L0VE WELL, THAT'S JUST FABUL0US."


"Love is just a word till someone you meet gives it a meaning.. Love is holding that special someone closely and realising that its still isnt close enough.. Its hard to tell your mind to stop loving someone if your heart still does.. The best and most beautiful thing in this world cannot be seen or heard but must de felt with the heart.. Because someone doesnt love you the way you want them to it doesnt mean they dont love you with all they have.. Sometimes its hard to love someone because you're so afraid of losing them.. The hardest part dreaming about someone you love is having to let go.. Somethings in life are worth waiting for even if it means waiting forever.. Love isnt about finding the perfect person its about seeing an imperfect person perfectly.. The hardest part of loving smoeone is knowing when to let go and knowing when to say goodbye.. Its hard to pretend to love someone when you dont when you really do.. The worst way to miss someone is when they're right beside you and yet you know you cant have them.. The love you cant have lasts the longest feels the strongest and hurts the most.. ths better to have love and lost then never to have loved at all.. If you really love something set it free if it comes back its yours if not it was never meant to be.. Never say goodbye when you still want to try never give up when you feel you can still take it never.. Say you no longer love a person when you cant let go.. The deeper you fall in love the harder it is to get out.. If you love someone tell them because hearts are often broken with words left unspoken.. Moving on is simple its what you leave behind makes it so difficult.. Love begins with a smile grows with a kiss..and ends with a tear..."


I'm an old soul in a young woman's body. I dream but I live in reality. My greatest fear is failure and my biggest high is success. I'm determined but I don't mind being lazy. I'm confident yet confused. I'm intelligent but I make stupid decisions and questionable choices. I make the same mistakes twice and then I learn. Love scares me to death and I could not imagine my life without it. I believe the quote "love is not blind, it sees more, not less, but because it sees more, it is willing to see less", couldn't be any more true. I take risks and think of the consequences later. I care too much but I don't care at all. I write what I feel and speak what I mean. Learning is my passion and love is my downfall. I enjoy supporting myself but I don't mind being spoiled. The feeling of accomplishment is my drive and motivation. I refuse to settle for less than what I deserve. The future excites me and makes me queezy. I'm misunderstood and I have baggage. I push away those who care and realize it too late. I'm a good foe but an even better friend. I've been through heartbreak and I've been through hell. I sing, I dance, I laugh, I cry, I am human and I am not perfect. It's my life and I wouldn't trade it for anything.


Favorite Quotes

1."I'M NOT THE GIRL NEXT DOOR! I'M THE BITCH DOWN THE STREET!"{Tila Tequila}-I can feel that quote!

2.Feel Me Or Kill Me Fuck Nigga![PI BANG]- Thats my dawg!

3.Alea Lacta Est{The die is cast]

4.Carpe Diem{Seize the day}!

5.You may not feel it yet but honey COMMODITY IS WHAT YOU NEED! NOT WHAT YOU WANT!

6.BE MORE CONCERNED WITH YOUR CHARACTER THEN ....UR.... REPUTATIONS... BECAUSE YOUR CHARACTER IS WHAT YOU REALLY ARE,.. WHILE ....UR.... ''REP'' IS MERELY WHAT OTHERS THINK YOU ARE! IM ME & IM GONNA STAY ME NO MATTER WHAT! I'LL NEVER EXPLAIN OR BE SORRY FOR WHAT I DO OR HAVE DONE BECAUSE IN THE END I DID IT FOR A REASON. ONLY CHILDREN JUDGE PEOPLE FOR WHO OR WHAT THEY DO/ARE? I GREW UP SINCE MIDDLE SCHOOL....IM SORRY YOU HAVEN'T

7.I CAN ONLY GIVE SO MUCH 2 U BE4 I REALIZE ALL IVE ALREADY GOTTEN FROM U IS ALL UR WILLING 2 GIVE. U'VE SUCKED ME DRY. UR A LEECH 4 MY LOVE!

8.SOMETIMES ITS EASIER TO BE WITH SOMEONE U CANT LOVE.........THAN ADMITTING U LOVE SOMEONE U CANT HAVE!

9.Many people have told me I’ve changed. But the truth is... I think I’ve just found myself

10.Its CRAZY when you want to let go, but you keep holding on, & when you want to move on, your stuck right where you started

11.Nothing's forever - forever's a lie. All we have is what's between hello and goodbye

12.It's so hard to say goodbye to something that you never had in the beginning

13.Sometimes when i say "oh im fine", i want someone to look me in the eyes and say "tell the truth

14.In life we all have an unspeakable secret, an irreversible regret, an unreachable dream and an unforgettable love

15.NEVER apologize for saying what you feel. Because if you do, its like saying "sorry for being real

16.Love is giving someone the power to destroy you...but trusting them not to

17.Dreaming of the person you want to be is wasting the person you already are." -Kurt Cobain

18.Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the things you did

19.When you want to cry, cry. When you want to scream, scream. Don't hide behind fake smiles, its ok to not be alright

20.U SAY ITS ME...I SAY ITS U...U SAY ITS OVA...I SAY WE BEEN THUR...BUT STILL U CANT WALK AWAY FROM ME...& I CANT WALK AWAY FROM U!.....STUCK!

21.MOST PEOPLE LOVE IN BLACK N WHITE BUT I LOVE IN COLOR! EVEN IF LIFE WAS A SILENT MOVIE U COULD READ MY PASSION

22.WHEN I WAS A CHILD I SPOKE AS A CHILD, UNDERSTOOD AS A CHILD, THOUGHT AS A CHILD BUT WHEN I BECAME AN ADULT I PUT AWAY ALL CHILDISH THINGS

23.MOST PEOPLE LOVE IN BLACK N WHITE BUT I LOVE IN COLOR! EVEN IF LIFE WAS A SILENT MOVIE U COULD READ MY PASSION!

24.Married to the Money but I fucked the shit outta success! Determination took my virginity but I had a baby wit progress & mothered a dream!