U MADE ME THIS WAY

SO LATELY IVE BEEN TORN BETWEEN THE GOOD & THE BAD. THE RIGHT & THE WRONG! THE WHORE & THE ANGEL! THE BITCH & THE NICE GIRL! THE WEAK & THE STRONG! TO ME THIS WORLD PUSHES EVERYONE TO FEEL LIKE THEY CAN/SHOULD ONLY TO DO GOOD & THINK GOOD BUT WHO IS THE WORLD TO TELL ME WHATS GOOD? HOW ARE THESE PEOPLE TO JUDGE? IT FUNNY CAUSE AS I WRITE THESE WORDS ONE OF MY FAVORITE CHURCH SONGS COMES ON. THE SONG THAT WAS PLAYING WITH I CRIED MY FIRST TEARS OF SHAME. MY FIRST TEARS ON REGRET. MY FIRST TEARS OF HOPE FOR SOMETHING DIFFERENT AS I SAT IN A CHURCH ONLY DAYS AFTER GIVING UP MY FIRST CHILD ON A COLD CLINIC TABLE TOP ALL BY MYSELF WHILE I HOPED THE MAKE I WORE ACROSS MY FACE AND BODY COVERED THE MARKS HE LEFT ALL OVER ME KNOWING THAT I WAS CARRYING HIS CHILD.

THE PLACE WHERE MY FACE HIT THE WALL WENT HE THREW ME AFTER I TOLD HIM I COULDNT EAT THE FOOD HE GOT ME BECAUSE I WAS TOO SICK FROM OUR CHILD TO HOLD ANY FOOD DOWN. THE MARKS THAT WHERE LATER KISSED BY THE LIPS OF THE SAME MAN WAS STANDING OVER ME KICKING ME IN THE BACK WHILE I CRIED AND TRIED TO MAKE SENSE OF THE MISTAKES I MUST OF MADE TO ENDED ME UP HERE. I FLASHED BACK TO THE TIMES WHEN I WAS TO YOUNG TO FULLY UNDERSTAND WORDS THAT WERE BEING YELLED FROM THE NEXT ROOM WHILE I SAT ON THE FLOOR HOLDING MY PILLOW LISTENING TO DEAR OL DAD BEAT HIS POINT INTO MY MOTHERS FACE.

I SAT THERE ONLY YEARS FROM THE WOMB LISTENING TO SOUNDS OF THE MAN THAT MADE ME A DADDY'S GIRL WRECKED EVERY BIT OF TRUST IN A MAN BEFORE I COULD EVEN REMEMBER HIS NAME. I LOOK BACK NOW AND I REALIZE THAT EVERY SECOND I SAT ON THAT FLOOR SCARED FOR MY MOTHER, MY BROTHER AND MY MYSELF I BECAME MORE AND MORE BROKEN! MORE AND MORE COLD! MORE AND MORE INDEPENDENT! THATS WHEN I LEARNED NOT TO TRUST! THATS WHEN I LEARN TO HIT BEFORE GETTIN HIT! TO HURT BEFORE GETTING HURT AND TO LEAVE BEFORE LOVING!

PEOPLE ALWAYS WANT YOU TO LEARN FROM EVERYTHING YOU GO THUR IN LIFE BUT WHAT IF EVERYTHING BIG WAS HELLA FUCKED UP? WHAT IF YOU LIVED A FUCKIN SHITY LIFE? WHAT IF EVERYONE YOU TRUSTED WAS SOMEONE SNEAKY, HURTFUL AND DIRTY? THEN WHAT! HOW TO YOU MOLD A GOOD PERSON FROM DIRTY CLAY? PEOPLE ALWAYS WANT YOU TO ME OPEN MINDED AND OPEN TO NEW THINGS BUT WHAT IF EVERY TIME YOU OPEN UP YOU GET BULLSHIT THAT GIVES YOU KNOW CHOICE BUT TO CLOSE UP AND BECOME EVEN MORE COLD? THEN WHAT!?!

I HAVE THIS PROBLEM.....IM TOO CARING! I CARE SO MUCH TO EASY! THE SECOND I MAKE A BONDED WITH SOMEONE I BECOME STUCK CARING FOR THE PERSON NO MATTER WHAT! I BECOME THE FRIEND THATS ALWAYS THERE FOR THEM 24/7 EVEN WHEN I KNOW THEY WOULD NEVER DO THE SAME FOR ME. ALWAYS LOVING! ALWAYS CARING! ALWAYS GIVING! WHICH ALWAYS LEFT ME EMPTY! I GAVE TO FRIENDS, GAVE TO FAMILY, GIVE IN RELATIONSHIPS AND THEN I WHEN I STOPPED AND WAS AT MY LOWEST I LOOKED BACK AT THE EDGE OF EVERYTHING LIKE ROSE IN TITANIC ABOUT TO JUMP TO FINALLY FEEL FREE BUT WHEN I LOOKED BACK THERE WAS NO JACK. THERE WAS NO ONE! I HAD A CHOICE. JUMP AND JUST LET EVERYTHING KILL ME OR FIGHT BACK FOR EVERYTHING I COULD HAVE.

AND I MADE THE CHOICE TO FIGHT! I PUSHED THE DRAMA OUT OF MY LIFE! I PUSHED THE NEEDY PEOPLE OUT MY CIRCLE. I CLEANED MY WORLD OF THE EXTRAS THAT WERE JUST NOT NEEDED AND I FOCUSED ON ME! I GAVE EVERYTHING UP TO JUST BREATHE FREELY. I BECAME COLD HEARTED! I BECAME EVEN MORE UN-TRUSTING! I BECAME SCARY HEARTLESS. I CHANGED ME. I TOOK ME TIME. I FELL OFF. I STARTED NOT GIVING 2 FUCKS ABOUT ANYONE BUT MYSELF. I CRIED WHEN I WANTED TO. I YELLED WHEN I WANTED TO! I DID ME AND STILL THEY TALK! STILL THEY HAVE NO LIFE! STILL IM A TOPIC! BUT THE ONLY DIFFERENCE NOW IS............I COULD CARELESS 100% AND U MADE ME THIS WAY!