!THINGS ARE FUCKIN GREAT!

SOOOOOOOOOOO! I WAS READING MY BLOGS AND MY PAGE IS ABOUT ALOT OF SHIT BUT ITS ALL LOWKEY SAD! BLAHHHHHHHH! IVE BEEN MEANING TO BLOG BUT EVERYTHING HAS BEEN ALL SMILES SO I FELT LOWKEY LOST FOR WORDS UNTIL I REALLY JUST THOUGHT ABOUT EVERYTHING AND WAS LIKE FUCK IT! LET ME JUST WRITE WHATS IN MY HEART! SO HERE IT GOESSSSSSS!

LIFE IN THE SUCK ASS PLACE ORLANDO HAS SUCKED SOOOO BAD SINCE I LANDED HERE ALL THOSE YEARS AGO! THE SECOND I HOPPED MY BLACK ASS OF THE PLANE I KNEW I WAS GONNA HATE THIS FUCKIN PLACE AND I HAVE BUT THATS ALL GONNA CHANGE VERY SOON! ME AND THE BESTIE HAVE BEEN THINKIN ABOUT MOVING AND I HAVE TO SAY THAT SOUNDS LIKE A GREATTTTTT IDEA! I CANT WAIT TO LEAVE ALL THESE BORING ASS TMZ ASS PEOPLE IN THE DUST AS I MOVE ON WITH LIFE AND LEAVE THEM STILL HERE DOIN THE SAME DAMN THING LIKE ITS POPPIN! IM SORRY BUT IF YOUR OVER THE AGE OF 25 AND YOUR STILL IN THE CLUB AND ON THE SCENE WEEKLY YOUR ASS BETTER BE GETTIN PAID OR YOUR JUST A LAME! BITCHES WITH ALL THESE DAMN BABY DADDIES AND STILL IN THE CLUB THINKIN ITS THE HOT SHIT! IM SORRY BUT IF I HAVE A CHILD THE CLUB IS GONNA BE A ONCE OR TWICE A MONTH THING! I MEAN DAMN BITCHES! YOU GOTTA BE AT THE CLUB EVERY WEEK? WHO U GOIN TO SEE?!? ITS RARE WE GET NEW FACES AND IF WE DO ITS A 1 IN A MILLION CHANCE THAT THEIR NOT GONNA BE LAMEEEEEEEEE SO WHY STRESS IT!

OMG ANOTHER THING I HATE! WHY DOES EVERYONE WANNABE A MODEL?!? EVERYONE TRYIN TO BE THE NEXT CHICK TO HAVE YOUR ASS ALL OVER SOMEONES MYSPACE! LOL I KNOW YOU READIN THIS AND THEN LOOKIN AT MY TITTLE PIC CONFUSED BUT THATS DIFFERENT. HE HIT ME UP AND ASKED ME TO DO A SHOOTS AND ONCE I GOT THE PICS I WAS RUSHING TO MODEL MAYHEM TO POST PICS UP LOOKIN FOR JOBS AND VIDEOS I CAN TRYIN AND BE SEEN IN. IM SORRY BUT ITS JUST NOT THAT SERIOUS FOR ME I GUESS.

OH AND I HATE BITCHES WHO THINK THAT GOING TO MIAMI IS A VACATION! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ITS ONLY A FEW HOURS AWAY! IM SORRY BUT IF YOUR NOT DRIVING OVER 8 HOURS OR FLYING YOUR NOT ON VACATION! YOU JUST WENT A FEW CITIES OVER TO VISIT FOR AWHILE! LOL OH AND ON THAT NOTE! IM SOOOOOOOO EXCITED FOR CALI WITH MY GET MONEY BITCHES! YESSSSSS! IM BRING THE FEW BITCHES I FUCKS WITH TO SEE WHERE I CAME FROM AND MEET MY REAL PEOPLE AND FAM! I ALREADY KNOW IMA CRY LIKE EVERYDAY BUT ITS SOOOO WORTH IT! AND ME AND MY BESTIE CAN SEE IF THATS WE WANNA MOVE OR LA! YESSSSSS! IVE NEVER BEEN SOOOOOO HAPPY! STARTED SOME NEW JOBS! THEIR ALL GREAT! MADE SOME AMAZING BUSINESS DEALS. AND NEVER BEEN SO HAPPY!

I HAVE SOMEONE SPECIAL IN MY LIFE AND NOTHING BUT POSITIVE AND GREAT PEOPLE THAT IM SHARIN MY HAPPINESS WITH! I FINALLY GET A CHANCE TO LAUGH AT BITCHES THAT STILL STUCK IN THE PASTED HATIN THEIR LIFE SO THEY MAKE UP EVERY REASON TO HATE SOMEONE THATS HAPPY! IM GLAD I HAVE A CLEAR IDEA OF WHO IS REAL AROUND ME NOW. MY FAMILY IS GOOD AND MY HEALTH GETTING BETTER BY THE DAY AND THAT IS NOTHING BUT GODS BLESSINGS! IM ALLLLLLL SMILES AND IM TOO HAPPY TO HAVE THE GOOD LIFE GLOW! SO IMA END IT ALL THAT AND POST MY FAVORITE VIDEO FOR NOW! JUST FOR MR.SPECIAL!

U MADE ME THIS WAY

SO LATELY IVE BEEN TORN BETWEEN THE GOOD & THE BAD. THE RIGHT & THE WRONG! THE WHORE & THE ANGEL! THE BITCH & THE NICE GIRL! THE WEAK & THE STRONG! TO ME THIS WORLD PUSHES EVERYONE TO FEEL LIKE THEY CAN/SHOULD ONLY TO DO GOOD & THINK GOOD BUT WHO IS THE WORLD TO TELL ME WHATS GOOD? HOW ARE THESE PEOPLE TO JUDGE? IT FUNNY CAUSE AS I WRITE THESE WORDS ONE OF MY FAVORITE CHURCH SONGS COMES ON. THE SONG THAT WAS PLAYING WITH I CRIED MY FIRST TEARS OF SHAME. MY FIRST TEARS ON REGRET. MY FIRST TEARS OF HOPE FOR SOMETHING DIFFERENT AS I SAT IN A CHURCH ONLY DAYS AFTER GIVING UP MY FIRST CHILD ON A COLD CLINIC TABLE TOP ALL BY MYSELF WHILE I HOPED THE MAKE I WORE ACROSS MY FACE AND BODY COVERED THE MARKS HE LEFT ALL OVER ME KNOWING THAT I WAS CARRYING HIS CHILD.

THE PLACE WHERE MY FACE HIT THE WALL WENT HE THREW ME AFTER I TOLD HIM I COULDNT EAT THE FOOD HE GOT ME BECAUSE I WAS TOO SICK FROM OUR CHILD TO HOLD ANY FOOD DOWN. THE MARKS THAT WHERE LATER KISSED BY THE LIPS OF THE SAME MAN WAS STANDING OVER ME KICKING ME IN THE BACK WHILE I CRIED AND TRIED TO MAKE SENSE OF THE MISTAKES I MUST OF MADE TO ENDED ME UP HERE. I FLASHED BACK TO THE TIMES WHEN I WAS TO YOUNG TO FULLY UNDERSTAND WORDS THAT WERE BEING YELLED FROM THE NEXT ROOM WHILE I SAT ON THE FLOOR HOLDING MY PILLOW LISTENING TO DEAR OL DAD BEAT HIS POINT INTO MY MOTHERS FACE.

I SAT THERE ONLY YEARS FROM THE WOMB LISTENING TO SOUNDS OF THE MAN THAT MADE ME A DADDY'S GIRL WRECKED EVERY BIT OF TRUST IN A MAN BEFORE I COULD EVEN REMEMBER HIS NAME. I LOOK BACK NOW AND I REALIZE THAT EVERY SECOND I SAT ON THAT FLOOR SCARED FOR MY MOTHER, MY BROTHER AND MY MYSELF I BECAME MORE AND MORE BROKEN! MORE AND MORE COLD! MORE AND MORE INDEPENDENT! THATS WHEN I LEARNED NOT TO TRUST! THATS WHEN I LEARN TO HIT BEFORE GETTIN HIT! TO HURT BEFORE GETTING HURT AND TO LEAVE BEFORE LOVING!

PEOPLE ALWAYS WANT YOU TO LEARN FROM EVERYTHING YOU GO THUR IN LIFE BUT WHAT IF EVERYTHING BIG WAS HELLA FUCKED UP? WHAT IF YOU LIVED A FUCKIN SHITY LIFE? WHAT IF EVERYONE YOU TRUSTED WAS SOMEONE SNEAKY, HURTFUL AND DIRTY? THEN WHAT! HOW TO YOU MOLD A GOOD PERSON FROM DIRTY CLAY? PEOPLE ALWAYS WANT YOU TO ME OPEN MINDED AND OPEN TO NEW THINGS BUT WHAT IF EVERY TIME YOU OPEN UP YOU GET BULLSHIT THAT GIVES YOU KNOW CHOICE BUT TO CLOSE UP AND BECOME EVEN MORE COLD? THEN WHAT!?!

I HAVE THIS PROBLEM.....IM TOO CARING! I CARE SO MUCH TO EASY! THE SECOND I MAKE A BONDED WITH SOMEONE I BECOME STUCK CARING FOR THE PERSON NO MATTER WHAT! I BECOME THE FRIEND THATS ALWAYS THERE FOR THEM 24/7 EVEN WHEN I KNOW THEY WOULD NEVER DO THE SAME FOR ME. ALWAYS LOVING! ALWAYS CARING! ALWAYS GIVING! WHICH ALWAYS LEFT ME EMPTY! I GAVE TO FRIENDS, GAVE TO FAMILY, GIVE IN RELATIONSHIPS AND THEN I WHEN I STOPPED AND WAS AT MY LOWEST I LOOKED BACK AT THE EDGE OF EVERYTHING LIKE ROSE IN TITANIC ABOUT TO JUMP TO FINALLY FEEL FREE BUT WHEN I LOOKED BACK THERE WAS NO JACK. THERE WAS NO ONE! I HAD A CHOICE. JUMP AND JUST LET EVERYTHING KILL ME OR FIGHT BACK FOR EVERYTHING I COULD HAVE.

AND I MADE THE CHOICE TO FIGHT! I PUSHED THE DRAMA OUT OF MY LIFE! I PUSHED THE NEEDY PEOPLE OUT MY CIRCLE. I CLEANED MY WORLD OF THE EXTRAS THAT WERE JUST NOT NEEDED AND I FOCUSED ON ME! I GAVE EVERYTHING UP TO JUST BREATHE FREELY. I BECAME COLD HEARTED! I BECAME EVEN MORE UN-TRUSTING! I BECAME SCARY HEARTLESS. I CHANGED ME. I TOOK ME TIME. I FELL OFF. I STARTED NOT GIVING 2 FUCKS ABOUT ANYONE BUT MYSELF. I CRIED WHEN I WANTED TO. I YELLED WHEN I WANTED TO! I DID ME AND STILL THEY TALK! STILL THEY HAVE NO LIFE! STILL IM A TOPIC! BUT THE ONLY DIFFERENCE NOW IS............I COULD CARELESS 100% AND U MADE ME THIS WAY!